An old country doctor

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year
old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new
born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take
his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
in the first place!!"

Link: http://ping.fm/zAHaX

Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by
itself. - L. Atkinson

Work...
An authority: someone who knows lots of things you couldn't care
less about.

DateLife NYC

DateLife NYC
© By Liza J. Kaplan

Warning: May be inappropriate for anyone in earshot
Dating is tough for a gal in the city
Cuz brains aren't enough and most guys just ain't pretty.
So let's get down to details both nitty and gritty,
And you'll see that it needn't always seem so shitty.

Though most guys aren't cute,
The numbers are ample
And it's less overwhelming to start with a sample.
So let's check out some options on becoming a twosome,
(And if that doesn't work you can always just screw some.)

With a click and a drag of your mouse you'll find guys,
Though some things are better off left to surprise.

As he sheds off his screenname of BigJew4You,
You choke back the tears as you try not to spew.
He's a bit of a freak, it is sad but it's true,
But the real horror is that you know you're one too.
So to see if your true personalities mesh,
It's safer to meet face to face, in the flesh.

When you discover there're choices there's always speed-dating,
Some guys are exciting, while some leave you hating.
But it's all in good fun with the prospect of mating,
It can be quite interesting. Translation: degrading.

Though there are many men on the streets of New York,
He might not keep kosher, aka-he eats pork,
But unless you are ready for a wedding and a stork,
You'll be lucky to find one who knows how to fork.

Though it sometimes feels hopeless, that just isn't so,
Remember that each trial helps you to grow,
So until your Prince Charming rides in on that horse,
Enjoy the adventure though it may seem off course.

Still it's true that dating is often quite scary,
Some young guys are bald, while others are hairy.
Neither of which you are dying to marry,
'Specially if he's 'friends' with a Tom, Dick or Larry.

So beware of speed dating and the internet site,
And believe me dear ladies, I too take this plight,
So until you should stumble upon Mr. Right,
Happy Dating to all, and to all a good fright!

Link: http://ping.fm/8hS4u

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
~ George Eliot

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Girlfriend 1.0 (LMAO) GEEKY

Girlfriend 1.0

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Link: http://ping.fm/YE4Cq

Life's Quips...
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
problem.

Quotes...
There are obviously two educations. One should teach us how to
make a living and the other how to live. - James Truslow Adams

Iron Man and Spidey Team Up in IRON MAN'S ADV

This cool Iron Man cartoon over at the new site Marvelkids.com looks to be the first of three CGI cartoons by ULTIMATE ALLIANCE animators Blur Studios. According to Marvel, this "Marvel Adventures Iron Man advervideo" is "a thrilling, cutting-edge adventure!"

Escaped Prisoner (LMAO)

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Link: http://ping.fm/O6gp0

The Worst Age

The Worst Age

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

Source: JokeGallery*dot*com

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

YOUR JoKe:
----------

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you
ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes,"
her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do
you go to?"
http://ping.fm/mcgo4
Link: http://ping.fm/KDnW9

young man goes into a drug store to buy.....

young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist!"

Did you know that you could get paid
for writing about stuff you like to
talk about?

Link: young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist!"

Did you know that you could get paid
for writing about stuff you like to
talk about?

One-Liners...
When God created man, SHE was only joking!

Link: http://siglets.com/

Tick tock the monkey clock stop ticking, when the clit stop dreaming. I know i`m sicking. Lol

Boot It

Boot It

(to the tune of Beat It)


You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.

Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
So BOOT IT,

Get the system manager to
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost.
CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...

You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
BOOT IT.

You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
So BOOT IT,

Call the local guru to
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Go ahead re-institute it.
If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do it itself.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.

BOOT IT! BOOT IT!


Link: http://jokes2go.com/

The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Link: http://ping.fm/zAHaX

DOUBLE VODKA

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Link:

DOUBLE VODKA

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

School...
Bad spellers of the world Untie! lol... Link: http://www.siglets.com/

Sad Love Poems
Sad Love Poems of anger, betrayal, heartbreak and hurt.

How can there be pain in a place where there is so much joy? A loving relationship is the most awesome experience in the world. This is why it also holds the potential for so much sadness. There are so many things that can go wrong. We must remember, Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all
Link: http://ping.fm/gzoOX

Patients is needed
Yes you know
But time has stopped
You cant move forward
You trapped there
Frozen

Trapped in time

by October Tears RIP Lesthat Hayden


Your falling down
Pain consumes you
You want nothing
You think death can free you

Your heart in pieces
Your soul shattered
Your hear no one
No words get to you
You lock out there words
Though you know they can help heal you

Patients is needed
Yes you know
But time has stopped
You cant move forward
You trapped there
Frozen

You want nothing
You have nothing
You desire freedom

Alone you stand
Just there waiting
For something that will
Never come

So there you sit
Locked up inside
Cost forever
Trapped in time
(Myshwana: how i feel)

link: http://ping.fm/f6hoz

Champagne for my true friends and true pain for my sham
friends!

A Poem For Those Over 30 (funny)

A Poem For Those Over 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.

Copyright; Author Unknown

source: http://ping.fm/yR0ik

Tortures by Wislawa Szymborska

Tortures by Wislawa Szymborska
Nothing has changed.
The body is susceptible to pain,
it must eat and breathe air and sleep,
it has thin skin and blood right underneath,
an adequate stock of teeth and nails,
its bones are breakable, its joints are stretchable.
In tortures all this is taken into account.

Nothing has changed.
The body shudders as it shuddered
before the founding of Rome and after,
in the twentieth century before and after Christ.
Tortures are as they were, it's just the earth that's grown smaller,
and whatever happens seems right on the other side of the wall.

Nothing has changed. It's just that there are more people,
besides the old offenses new ones have appeared,
real, imaginary, temporary, and none,
but the howl with which the body responds to them,
was, is and ever will be a howl of innocence
according to the time-honored scale and tonality.

Nothing has changed. Maybe just the manners, ceremonies, dances.
Yet the movement of the hands in protecting the head is the same.
The body writhes, jerks and tries to pull away,
its legs give out, it falls, the knees fly up,
it turns blue, swells, salivates and bleeds.

Nothing has changed. Except for the course of boundaries,
the line of forests, coasts, deserts and glaciers.
Amid these landscapes traipses the soul,
disappears, comes back, draws nearer, moves away,
alien to itself, elusive, at times certain, at others uncertain of its own existence,
while the body is and is and is
and has no place of its own.

Source: http://ping.fm/elVrR

Friendship...
There are people who laugh to show their fine teeth; and there
are those who cry to show their good hearts.

day going by pretty fast. have a great day. u humanoids. hehe

Inspirational Quote # 16

Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly,
kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.
Source: http://ping.fm/iBB4k

Many people will walk in
and out of your life,
but only true friends will leave
footprints in your heart.

- Eleanor Roosevelt -
Source: http://ping.fm/qe01J

My karma ran over your dogma.

Blog title...Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What
do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black
man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample
him down!

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken,
and we'll find out.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it:
the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Reagan: What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that
road? Is that what you're telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled,
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own
eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe
it's true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just
released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format),
file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA
A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken?
There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken.

Source: http://ping.fm/l1v5W

Friendship...
We started our group - our circle of friends - and like that
circle - there is no beginning, nor an end. http://www.siglets.com/

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden
stop at the end.

Words of Wisdom...
"A wise man learns more from a fool than a fool does from a
wise man".

Whats in the bag

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border
on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine."

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections
continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"


The fellow says, "Bicycles."

Source: http://ping.fm/1UWGP

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

Words of Wisdom...
It's ok to kiss a fool.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you.
But don't let a kiss fool you

One-Liners...
I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you
want? http://siglets.com/

Politics...
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) Siglets.com - Daily Siglets

Love...
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like nobody's looking. Siglets.com - Daily Siglets

Love...
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like nobody's looking.

Politics...
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

One-Liners...
I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you
want?
"Siglets.com - Daily Siglets"

The big shot

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away
to attend college and law school. He decided
to come back to the small town because he could
be a big man in this small town. He really wanted
to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new
client when he arrived. As the man came to the
door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the
man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns
in New York that I won't settle this case for
less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court
has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other
members of my team will provide support. Okay.
Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week
to discuss the details. "

This sort of thing went on for almost five
minutes. All the while the man sat patiently
as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put
down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry
for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company.
I came to hook up your phone."

@work n not feeling well.

Wow cant believe my daugter just turn 14yrs. She had a good time. Lol wore her dad out with her teen scam. Hehe teen years all his.

Survive another earth quack.

Recognizing George

Recognizing George

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two
Source: http://ping.fm/ITnY1

myshwana has invited you to join MyBlogLog

A little MyBlogLog background...

Discover something new or cool each day. Find a sites are unique to your interests, be that "you'll never guess what I found on the internet" person.

Learn more about the people who publish your favorite sites? What do they read? Who else reads them?

Connect with people who read the same sites as you, make the world wide web a little smaller, more connected.

myshwana thinks MyBlogLog is so great that they've taken the time to let you know about it. Come check it out. If you've got a Yahoo! account, you're already half-way there. Join http://ping.fm/9K5PA Check out www.mybloglog.com to learn more.
Join MyBlogLog

for you jump-right-in types

MyBlogLog - not just for bloggers anymore.
www.mybloglog.com