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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I could've Swore she said Slims

I could've Swore she said Slims

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Taxonomy of Medical Practitioners

An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain
of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of
forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart
surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A
dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex
therapists A stream of urologists


An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a
strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the
base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's
never seen anything like it, but his penis will probably have
to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know
anything about this disease, but thinks the amputation is
indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decides to go to a
Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this disease!
Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything.
Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"


Words of Wisdom...
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give
to others.

Bumper Stickers...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who

The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women,
their rights and nothing less. - Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906)
--American suffragist

You don't know Jack Schitt!

When someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", well, now
you'll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe
Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later
ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they
produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly
after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt.
Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta
schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt
and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and
Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa
Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child,
Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
you can say "Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn
family as well!"

Friday, October 13, 2006

Slogan's Gone Wrong

Divorce can wait

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her, "Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I.

Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!"

"Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!?" her friend said.

To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds."


The Ear

This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child.
When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to
him and asks to see his wife and baby.

Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no
legs... Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see

Doctor: He's got no arms either... Father: That bad, uh? I have
to see it!

Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually,
it's only an ear... Father: ... He's still my son, take me to
him now.

Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a
cradle with a huge ear in it.

Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!
Doctor: Louder...he's deaf too!!!



Slogan's Gone Wrong

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and
cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after
thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending
on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters
and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which
can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with
the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your
ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan
"finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling
Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking
Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free
and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America,
it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."
After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars,
it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped.
The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny
male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and
substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the
spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said
that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the
desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I
Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to
make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish
translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared
on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It
takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada
as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means
"big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not
have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the
name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it
entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests
for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of
Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly
continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to
extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence,
the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

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Sunday, October 01, 2006


Winter Moonlight

The snow, so peaceful and serene,
caressed by the soft moonlight,
gave magical feelings to the night.

The soft blue glow,
the lover's words that then did flow,
their lips closer and closer
until, locked in the throes
of a passionate embrace,
he decided to express his feelings,
to keep her safe.

He whispered softly,
his words like music to her ears,
"I Love You,"
and her response the same,
heard like the gentle breeze,
"And I, love you, forever."

That was the night they promised
to be together through everything,
each to care for the other when old and gray
A lover's pact
the most likely to last.

- Krista J. Mikula -

only in another Dimension

Love is strong yet delicate.
It can be broken.
To truly love is to understand this.
To be in love is to respect this.

- Stephen Packer -

Yes i fully understand this..

Love will brake you down to your lowest.

to truly understand this and respect this

who needs love.

by I wanna L your V--//

I see where this has gone, yes I do.
I cannot do much about it though.
No Sir I can't. I'll just sit and wait.
Grin, nod and watch as the events unfold.

Mutter I might. Oh my you don't say?
What's that I see. Don't be silly.
My dear child, what are you looking at,
With your foolish grin, your muttered words?

Pish-Posh, that's lies all lies, lies, lies!
I do believe I speak the truth. Do I not?
Ohh..I see. I don't now do I?
I'll have you know, I'm the best truth-be-told.

Ack, you are a what? A..Oh I see.
Yes, I know what you are. I'm not dumb you hear.
You are a teenager, shall I explain my wisdom.
Let you have, a few wise tales so you learn?

Ruin my fun why don't you,
And the story had just begun too.
I'm older, though so this is how this will go.
Place your behind on that thing..

Now what's it called, I'm not all there you see.
AH-HA! Sit your behind upon that chair.
Close your eyes, and listen to what I shall say.
Define teenager, oh why I think I shall!

Adolescent a juvenile. Wait, are my words to big?
Do you need me to be more simple minded for you?
Let's break it down now, shall I not? Ten words shall do!
"A juvenile between the onset of puberty and maturity."

Ah who am I kidding with my little games.
I'm no older than you, can't you see that.
I bet you did, care to refine what you said earlier?
I'm trouble you see, nothing more than a teenager I may be.

A wise ass, with a knack to be an annoyance.
Keep on grinning, and nodding. I know what you think.
For I too, think just lika'you my fellow teens.
Bow your heads, kiss my feet. Laugh with me.

Randomness shall over run, the teens shall be free.
Free I say, my games are done, no more grins
My jokes are gone, giggle free I seem to be
I'm back at one. Back to when I was no-one.

Basically i Miss you

kisses.. Still Pouting