DateLife NYC

DateLife NYC
© By Liza J. Kaplan

Warning: May be inappropriate for anyone in earshot
Dating is tough for a gal in the city
Cuz brains aren't enough and most guys just ain't pretty.
So let's get down to details both nitty and gritty,
And you'll see that it needn't always seem so shitty.

Though most guys aren't cute,
The numbers are ample
And it's less overwhelming to start with a sample.
So let's check out some options on becoming a twosome,
(And if that doesn't work you can always just screw some.)

With a click and a drag of your mouse you'll find guys,
Though some things are better off left to surprise.

As he sheds off his screenname of BigJew4You,
You choke back the tears as you try not to spew.
He's a bit of a freak, it is sad but it's true,
But the real horror is that you know you're one too.
So to see if your true personalities mesh,
It's safer to meet face to face, in the flesh.

When you discover there're choices there's always speed-dating,
Some guys are exciting, while some leave you hating.
But it's all in good fun with the prospect of mating,
It can be quite interesting. Translation: degrading.

Though there are many men on the streets of New York,
He might not keep kosher, aka-he eats pork,
But unless you are ready for a wedding and a stork,
You'll be lucky to find one who knows how to fork.

Though it sometimes feels hopeless, that just isn't so,
Remember that each trial helps you to grow,
So until your Prince Charming rides in on that horse,
Enjoy the adventure though it may seem off course.

Still it's true that dating is often quite scary,
Some young guys are bald, while others are hairy.
Neither of which you are dying to marry,
'Specially if he's 'friends' with a Tom, Dick or Larry.

So beware of speed dating and the internet site,
And believe me dear ladies, I too take this plight,
So until you should stumble upon Mr. Right,
Happy Dating to all, and to all a good fright!

Link: http://ping.fm/8hS4u

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
~ George Eliot

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Girlfriend 1.0 (LMAO) GEEKY

Girlfriend 1.0

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Link: http://ping.fm/YE4Cq

Life's Quips...
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
problem.

Quotes...
There are obviously two educations. One should teach us how to
make a living and the other how to live. - James Truslow Adams

Iron Man and Spidey Team Up in IRON MAN'S ADV

This cool Iron Man cartoon over at the new site Marvelkids.com looks to be the first of three CGI cartoons by ULTIMATE ALLIANCE animators Blur Studios. According to Marvel, this "Marvel Adventures Iron Man advervideo" is "a thrilling, cutting-edge adventure!"

Escaped Prisoner (LMAO)

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Link: http://ping.fm/O6gp0

The Worst Age

The Worst Age

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

Source: JokeGallery*dot*com

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

YOUR JoKe:
----------

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you
ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes,"
her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do
you go to?"
http://ping.fm/mcgo4
Link: http://ping.fm/KDnW9

young man goes into a drug store to buy.....

young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist!"

Did you know that you could get paid
for writing about stuff you like to
talk about?

Link: young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist!"

Did you know that you could get paid
for writing about stuff you like to
talk about?

One-Liners...
When God created man, SHE was only joking!

Link: http://siglets.com/

Tick tock the monkey clock stop ticking, when the clit stop dreaming. I know i`m sicking. Lol

Boot It

Boot It

(to the tune of Beat It)


You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.

Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
So BOOT IT,

Get the system manager to
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost.
CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...

You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
BOOT IT.

You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
So BOOT IT,

Call the local guru to
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Go ahead re-institute it.
If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do it itself.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.

BOOT IT! BOOT IT!


Link: http://jokes2go.com/

The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Link: http://ping.fm/zAHaX

DOUBLE VODKA

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Link:

DOUBLE VODKA

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

School...
Bad spellers of the world Untie! lol... Link: http://www.siglets.com/

Sad Love Poems
Sad Love Poems of anger, betrayal, heartbreak and hurt.

How can there be pain in a place where there is so much joy? A loving relationship is the most awesome experience in the world. This is why it also holds the potential for so much sadness. There are so many things that can go wrong. We must remember, Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all
Link: http://ping.fm/gzoOX

Patients is needed
Yes you know
But time has stopped
You cant move forward
You trapped there
Frozen

Trapped in time

by October Tears RIP Lesthat Hayden


Your falling down
Pain consumes you
You want nothing
You think death can free you

Your heart in pieces
Your soul shattered
Your hear no one
No words get to you
You lock out there words
Though you know they can help heal you

Patients is needed
Yes you know
But time has stopped
You cant move forward
You trapped there
Frozen

You want nothing
You have nothing
You desire freedom

Alone you stand
Just there waiting
For something that will
Never come

So there you sit
Locked up inside
Cost forever
Trapped in time
(Myshwana: how i feel)

link: http://ping.fm/f6hoz

Champagne for my true friends and true pain for my sham
friends!

A Poem For Those Over 30 (funny)

A Poem For Those Over 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.

Copyright; Author Unknown

source: http://ping.fm/yR0ik

Tortures by Wislawa Szymborska

Tortures by Wislawa Szymborska
Nothing has changed.
The body is susceptible to pain,
it must eat and breathe air and sleep,
it has thin skin and blood right underneath,
an adequate stock of teeth and nails,
its bones are breakable, its joints are stretchable.
In tortures all this is taken into account.

Nothing has changed.
The body shudders as it shuddered
before the founding of Rome and after,
in the twentieth century before and after Christ.
Tortures are as they were, it's just the earth that's grown smaller,
and whatever happens seems right on the other side of the wall.

Nothing has changed. It's just that there are more people,
besides the old offenses new ones have appeared,
real, imaginary, temporary, and none,
but the howl with which the body responds to them,
was, is and ever will be a howl of innocence
according to the time-honored scale and tonality.

Nothing has changed. Maybe just the manners, ceremonies, dances.
Yet the movement of the hands in protecting the head is the same.
The body writhes, jerks and tries to pull away,
its legs give out, it falls, the knees fly up,
it turns blue, swells, salivates and bleeds.

Nothing has changed. Except for the course of boundaries,
the line of forests, coasts, deserts and glaciers.
Amid these landscapes traipses the soul,
disappears, comes back, draws nearer, moves away,
alien to itself, elusive, at times certain, at others uncertain of its own existence,
while the body is and is and is
and has no place of its own.

Source: http://ping.fm/elVrR

Friendship...
There are people who laugh to show their fine teeth; and there
are those who cry to show their good hearts.

day going by pretty fast. have a great day. u humanoids. hehe

Inspirational Quote # 16

Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly,
kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.
Source: http://ping.fm/iBB4k

Many people will walk in
and out of your life,
but only true friends will leave
footprints in your heart.

- Eleanor Roosevelt -
Source: http://ping.fm/qe01J

My karma ran over your dogma.

Blog title...Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What
do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black
man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample
him down!

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken,
and we'll find out.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it:
the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Reagan: What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that
road? Is that what you're telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled,
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own
eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe
it's true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just
released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format),
file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA
A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken?
There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken.

Source: http://ping.fm/l1v5W

Friendship...
We started our group - our circle of friends - and like that
circle - there is no beginning, nor an end. http://www.siglets.com/

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden
stop at the end.

Words of Wisdom...
"A wise man learns more from a fool than a fool does from a
wise man".

Whats in the bag

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border
on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine."

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections
continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"


The fellow says, "Bicycles."

Source: http://ping.fm/1UWGP

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

Words of Wisdom...
It's ok to kiss a fool.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you.
But don't let a kiss fool you

One-Liners...
I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you
want? http://siglets.com/

Politics...
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) Siglets.com - Daily Siglets

Love...
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like nobody's looking. Siglets.com - Daily Siglets

Love...
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like nobody's looking.

Politics...
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

One-Liners...
I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you
want?
"Siglets.com - Daily Siglets"

The big shot

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away
to attend college and law school. He decided
to come back to the small town because he could
be a big man in this small town. He really wanted
to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new
client when he arrived. As the man came to the
door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the
man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns
in New York that I won't settle this case for
less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court
has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other
members of my team will provide support. Okay.
Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week
to discuss the details. "

This sort of thing went on for almost five
minutes. All the while the man sat patiently
as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put
down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry
for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company.
I came to hook up your phone."

@work n not feeling well.

Wow cant believe my daugter just turn 14yrs. She had a good time. Lol wore her dad out with her teen scam. Hehe teen years all his.

Survive another earth quack.

Recognizing George

Recognizing George

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two
Source: http://ping.fm/ITnY1

myshwana has invited you to join MyBlogLog

A little MyBlogLog background...

Discover something new or cool each day. Find a sites are unique to your interests, be that "you'll never guess what I found on the internet" person.

Learn more about the people who publish your favorite sites? What do they read? Who else reads them?

Connect with people who read the same sites as you, make the world wide web a little smaller, more connected.

myshwana thinks MyBlogLog is so great that they've taken the time to let you know about it. Come check it out. If you've got a Yahoo! account, you're already half-way there. Join http://ping.fm/9K5PA Check out www.mybloglog.com to learn more.
Join MyBlogLog

for you jump-right-in types

MyBlogLog - not just for bloggers anymore.
www.mybloglog.com

Myshwana thinks you should join Mahalo

Hi,

You can view Myshwana's Mahalo profile here:
http://www.mahalo.com/member/Myshwana

To join Mahalo, go to:
http://www.mahalo.com/signup

After you join and add Myshwana as a friend, you can easily keep track
of all the great links Myshwana recommends to Mahalo.

---
Mahalo is a human-powered search engine that creates organized,
comprehensive, and spam free search results for the most popular
search terms. Anyone can recommend links for inclusion in Mahalo.

--

I started this network on Ning...

Come join me on MyShwana.

I started this network on Ning...
Would you like to join me...
share blogs, information....
Nice and innocent social site..
Thank You
Much Luv
Kisses Shwana

Click here to join:
http://myshwana.ning.com/?xgi=4pLgEtX

Thanks,
shwana

Playlist. Imeem.com

http://shwana.imeem.com/playlist/gjJBrVSi/

Profile Linker

You have been invited to join ProfileLinker by shwana

Click here to get linked and see what social networks your friend is on.

Welcome! Couple tips for using DotBlu

Welcome to BluBet! In case you forget, your login information is below.

But first, here are a couple quick tips for exploring BluBet...

1. Participate in as many existing BluBets as possible. To start, we have
rewarded you with 30,000 BluBucks. You are now on your way to becoming a
Blu-Millionaire!

2. Create BluBets and invite your friends to participate. More participants
will increase the visibility of your BluBet. Also, set a reasonable ante for
the BluBet (500-1,000 BluBucks).

Here is your login info - keep this email around for reference!

Username: tshwana.shwana
Password: The password you chose during registration.

To invite more friends to play your BluBets, simply forward them this link:

https://www.blubet.com/userinvite/22a2dc5eb3904c0a95c58bce7ad44bd0

We hope you enjoy BluBet!

Sincerely,

The BluBetters

---
This email is never sent unsolicited. If you believe you
have received this in error, please contact us at:
privacy@blubet.com
05/07/08 post date

Photobucket - Shwana wanted you to check out this video

03cb73a4.flv trying jokes by video I wanted to share something on Photobucket with you! If you are having problems viewing this email, copy and paste the following into your browser: http://s65.photobucket.com/albums/h227/shwana/Video%20Jokes/?action=view&current=03cb73a4.flv

Bix:shwana invites you to view

Personal message from "shwana":
I found this person on Bix.com. Help them grow their fan base by becoming a fan yourself!
Bix user:
shwana
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I could've Swore she said Slims

I could've Swore she said Slims

I SAID SUPERMAX

Taxonomy of Medical Practitioners

An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain
of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of
forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart
surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A
dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex
therapists A stream of urologists

--------------------------------

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a
strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the
base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's
never seen anything like it, but his penis will probably have
to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know
anything about this disease, but thinks the amputation is
indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decides to go to a
Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this
V.D.

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this disease!
Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything.
Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"

-----------------------------

Words of Wisdom...
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give
to others.

Bumper Stickers...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.

Quotes...
The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women,
their rights and nothing less. - Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906)
--American suffragist
-----------------------

You don't know Jack Schitt!

When someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", well, now
you'll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe
Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later
ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they
produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly
after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt.
Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta
schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt
and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and
Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa
Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child,
Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
you can say "Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn
family as well!"

Slogan's Gone Wrong

Divorce can wait

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her, "Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!" "Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!?" her friend said. To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Ear This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby. Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs... Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it. Doctor: He's got no arms either... Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it! Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear... Father: ... He's still my son, take me to him now. Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it. Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!! Doctor: Louder...he's deaf too!!!

------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slogan's Gone Wrong

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and
cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after
thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending
on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters
and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which
can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with
the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your
ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan
"finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling
Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking
Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free
and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America,
it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."
After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars,
it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped.
The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny
male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and
substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the
spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said
that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the
desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I
Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to
make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish
translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared
on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It
takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada
as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means
"big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not
have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the
name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it
entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests
for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of
Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly
continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to
extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence,
the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Technorati : jokes, shwana

Dimension

Winter Moonlight

The snow, so peaceful and serene,
caressed by the soft moonlight,
gave magical feelings to the night.

The soft blue glow,
the lover's words that then did flow,
their lips closer and closer
until, locked in the throes
of a passionate embrace,
he decided to express his feelings,
to keep her safe.

He whispered softly,
his words like music to her ears,
"I Love You,"
and her response the same,
heard like the gentle breeze,
"And I, love you, forever."

That was the night they promised
to be together through everything,
each to care for the other when old and gray
A lover's pact
the most likely to last.

- Krista J. Mikula -

only in another Dimension

Love is strong yet delicate.
It can be broken.
To truly love is to understand this.
To be in love is to respect this.

- Stephen Packer -

Yes i fully understand this..

Love will brake you down to your lowest.

to truly understand this and respect this

who needs love.

by I wanna L your V--//

I see where this has gone, yes I do.
I cannot do much about it though.
No Sir I can't. I'll just sit and wait.
Grin, nod and watch as the events unfold.

Mutter I might. Oh my you don't say?
What's that I see. Don't be silly.
My dear child, what are you looking at,
With your foolish grin, your muttered words?

Pish-Posh, that's lies all lies, lies, lies!
I do believe I speak the truth. Do I not?
Ohh..I see. I don't now do I?
I'll have you know, I'm the best truth-be-told.

Ack, you are a what? A..Oh I see.
Yes, I know what you are. I'm not dumb you hear.
You are a teenager, shall I explain my wisdom.
Let you have, a few wise tales so you learn?

Ruin my fun why don't you,
And the story had just begun too.
I'm older, though so this is how this will go.
Place your behind on that thing..

Now what's it called, I'm not all there you see.
AH-HA! Sit your behind upon that chair.
Close your eyes, and listen to what I shall say.
Define teenager, oh why I think I shall!

Adolescent a juvenile. Wait, are my words to big?
Do you need me to be more simple minded for you?
Let's break it down now, shall I not? Ten words shall do!
"A juvenile between the onset of puberty and maturity."

Ah who am I kidding with my little games.
I'm no older than you, can't you see that.
I bet you did, care to refine what you said earlier?
I'm trouble you see, nothing more than a teenager I may be.

A wise ass, with a knack to be an annoyance.
Keep on grinning, and nodding. I know what you think.
For I too, think just lika'you my fellow teens.
Bow your heads, kiss my feet. Laugh with me.

Randomness shall over run, the teens shall be free.
Free I say, my games are done, no more grins
My jokes are gone, giggle free I seem to be
I'm back at one. Back to when I was no-one.

Basically i Miss you

kisses.. Still Pouting

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Female Fantasy

(a wasted weekend isnt a weekend wasted)

Female Fantasy

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

=============================================================

The Most Painful Part

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

================================================================

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

==========================================================================

Unfaithful Wife

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,

It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

Dear Sir,

I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.

Bucket and Saucer Method

Proverbs...
God could not be everywhere, and so He made mothers.
============================================

Bucket and Saucer Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

============================================

Relationships...

"I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury." -

George Burns Quotes..

=========================================

Three Weddings

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.

"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

=====================================

Jerry Springer, Maury, Martell or Cheaters are no help to me..

So my kids isn't suppose to be by my baby daddy (hehe),

for eleven and years i've been on the a search for my

kids father.. Well the baby daddy inform me, that my

kids are the Mail Man (LMAO) So, by god, after

eleven years...LMAO..

I HAVE FOUND MY BABY'S DADDY..

The Accused Mail Man

He Didnt Do It...

Stickam.Com

Express Yourself LIVE

Golf

Beginner Golf

Sid and Barney

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf.Since they
are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.Sid offers
Barney, "let's say we make the time worthwhile, at least for
one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."Barney
agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney
is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the
9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost
ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his
pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he
announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been
friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you
know I've been standing on your ball for the last five
minutes!"

====================

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.

The lesson is, never try. -- Homer Simpson

======================

Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

Religious...
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually
fearing you will make one.

One-Liners...
Life's too short to argue, I'm ALWAYS right!

Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...

1. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

==============================================

99 Condoms

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter
where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she
finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99
condoms please."

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99
Condoms!?! Fuck me!"

The Mammogram

Mr. Schneider stood up in court.

"As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do." ===========================================

Hitchhiking Woman

A traveling saleswoman is driving toward home in Arizona when she sees an Indian woman hitchhiking. She stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", she asks. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband".

The Indian woman is silent for a while, then nods and says, "You made a good trade".

====================================
The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to
actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts
to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you
should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around
doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared.
But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these
simple exercises:


1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts
(either will do) between the two bookends and smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.


2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast
into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.


3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the
garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear
tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will
slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat
on the other side.

Quotes...

Friendship is constant in all other things,

Save in the office and affairs of love. - William Shakespeare

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the
garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate
and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new
fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve
to go get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which
night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of
childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where

he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

Proverbs...

"Exceptions always outnumber rules."

Blog for yahoo....get link when posted

Condom Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your rapper.

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection! Protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.

22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

25. No glove, No love.

26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.

29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.

The Incredibly Dumb 06 27 06 myspace

The Incredibly Dumb

• AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
• Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
• An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
• A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
• A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
• 
  
• Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

==========================================================================

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her?" "No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, then you'd look like her."

===========================================

Words of Wisdom...

Numbers are like people;

torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.

posted at myspace

Some Thoughts on Marriage

Some Thoughts on Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad:
That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the
man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman

speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak
and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but
I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says
Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the
world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like her
to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God
says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh,"
says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Still Thinking of Marriage....Dont Test him....LMAO....oops

Men Control your wifes....lol

Adult Joke on Marriage...


MARRIAGE..UMM WHAT U THINK

Kisses ... Shwana

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plus

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plus

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall,

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall,
Who’s the Cheapest of them all

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom
thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She
showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30. "That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing
disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew
agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something
real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror!

Small World

Small World

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

Technorati Profile

Technorati Profile

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decidedto check out the local Whore House. He walked in and wasassigned a young girl with a body that got him "up"immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he startedripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese,"Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for

his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them withhis new knowledge of their language. When one of them got ahole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of themasked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

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When is a door not a door?

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing oneanother for some time. After inquiring about each other'shealth one asked how the other's husband was doing."Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up acabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down deadright there in the middle of the vegetable patch!""Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did youdo?""Opened a can of peas instead!"

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When is a door not a door?When it is ajar.