Who to marry

Who to marry

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to
himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but
teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband
wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What
happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a
nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary,
you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called
for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the
door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and
pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone
operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes
are up, your three minutes are up." Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the
teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man waswearing only his boxers, his
hair was a mess,and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst,
asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily
replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last
night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until
we get right." Jokes

From: http://ping.fm/om1yp

Military...
When in doubt empty the magazine.

Politics...
"Economics is an entire scientific discipline of not knowing
what you're talking about."

Image via Wikipedia

Like Georgia in hell

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,

"Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!"

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I could've Swore she said Slims

I could've Swore she said Slims

I SAID SUPERMAX

Taxonomy of Medical Practitioners

An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain
of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of
forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart
surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A
dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex
therapists A stream of urologists

--------------------------------

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a
strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the
base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's
never seen anything like it, but his penis will probably have
to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know
anything about this disease, but thinks the amputation is
indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decides to go to a
Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this
V.D.

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this disease!
Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything.
Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"

-----------------------------

Words of Wisdom...
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give
to others.

Bumper Stickers...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.

Quotes...
The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women,
their rights and nothing less. - Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906)
--American suffragist
-----------------------

You don't know Jack Schitt!

When someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", well, now
you'll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe
Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later
ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they
produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly
after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt.
Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta
schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt
and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and
Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa
Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child,
Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
you can say "Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn
family as well!"

Slogan's Gone Wrong

Divorce can wait

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her, "Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month alone!" "Well, why don't you dump the bastard?!?" her friend said. To which the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Ear This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby. Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs... Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it. Doctor: He's got no arms either... Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it! Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear... Father: ... He's still my son, take me to him now. Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it. Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!! Doctor: Louder...he's deaf too!!!

------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slogan's Gone Wrong

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and
cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after
thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending
on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters
and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which
can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with
the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your
ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan
"finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling
Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking
Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free
and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America,
it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."
After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars,
it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped.
The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny
male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and
substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the
spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said
that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the
desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I
Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to
make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish
translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared
on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It
takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada
as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means
"big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not
have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the
name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it
entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests
for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of
Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly
continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to
extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence,
the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Technorati : jokes, shwana

Female Fantasy

(a wasted weekend isnt a weekend wasted)

Female Fantasy

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

=============================================================

The Most Painful Part

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

================================================================

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

==========================================================================

Unfaithful Wife

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,

It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

Dear Sir,

I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.

Bucket and Saucer Method

Proverbs...
God could not be everywhere, and so He made mothers.
============================================

Bucket and Saucer Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

============================================

Relationships...

"I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury." -

George Burns Quotes..

=========================================

Three Weddings

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.

"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

=====================================

Jerry Springer, Maury, Martell or Cheaters are no help to me..

So my kids isn't suppose to be by my baby daddy (hehe),

for eleven and years i've been on the a search for my

kids father.. Well the baby daddy inform me, that my

kids are the Mail Man (LMAO) So, by god, after

eleven years...LMAO..

I HAVE FOUND MY BABY'S DADDY..

The Accused Mail Man

He Didnt Do It...

Golf

Beginner Golf

Sid and Barney

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf.Since they
are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.Sid offers
Barney, "let's say we make the time worthwhile, at least for
one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."Barney
agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney
is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the
9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost
ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his
pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he
announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been
friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you
know I've been standing on your ball for the last five
minutes!"

====================

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.

The lesson is, never try. -- Homer Simpson

======================

Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

Religious...
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually
fearing you will make one.

One-Liners...
Life's too short to argue, I'm ALWAYS right!

Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...

1. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

==============================================

99 Condoms

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter
where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she
finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99
condoms please."

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99
Condoms!?! Fuck me!"

The Mammogram

Mr. Schneider stood up in court.

"As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do." ===========================================

Hitchhiking Woman

A traveling saleswoman is driving toward home in Arizona when she sees an Indian woman hitchhiking. She stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", she asks. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband".

The Indian woman is silent for a while, then nods and says, "You made a good trade".

====================================
The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to
actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts
to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you
should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around
doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared.
But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these
simple exercises:


1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts
(either will do) between the two bookends and smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.


2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast
into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.


3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the
garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear
tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will
slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat
on the other side.

Quotes...

Friendship is constant in all other things,

Save in the office and affairs of love. - William Shakespeare

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the
garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate
and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new
fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve
to go get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which
night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of
childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where

he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

Proverbs...

"Exceptions always outnumber rules."

Blog for yahoo....get link when posted

Condom Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your rapper.

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection! Protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.

22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

25. No glove, No love.

26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.

29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.

The Incredibly Dumb 06 27 06 myspace

The Incredibly Dumb

• AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
• Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
• An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
• A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
• A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
• 
  
• Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

==========================================================================

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her?" "No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, then you'd look like her."

===========================================

Words of Wisdom...

Numbers are like people;

torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.

posted at myspace

Some Thoughts on Marriage

Some Thoughts on Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad:
That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the
man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman

speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak
and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but
I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says
Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the
world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like her
to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God
says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh,"
says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Still Thinking of Marriage....Dont Test him....LMAO....oops

Men Control your wifes....lol

Adult Joke on Marriage...


MARRIAGE..UMM WHAT U THINK

Kisses ... Shwana

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plus

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plus

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall,

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall,
Who’s the Cheapest of them all

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom
thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She
showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30. "That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing
disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew
agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something
real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror!

Small World

Small World

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decidedto check out the local Whore House. He walked in and wasassigned a young girl with a body that got him "up"immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he startedripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese,"Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for

his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them withhis new knowledge of their language. When one of them got ahole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of themasked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

When is a door not a door?

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing oneanother for some time. After inquiring about each other'shealth one asked how the other's husband was doing."Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up acabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down deadright there in the middle of the vegetable patch!""Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did youdo?""Opened a can of peas instead!"

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When is a door not a door?When it is ajar.