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Easy Listening!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.
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View Original Article
Study Ball brings seriously old school methods to child rearing
You can try using positive reinforcement to get your kids to study. But what if that doesn't work? Well then, it's time to try some more medieval methods.
The study ball is a literal ball and chain that comes equipped with a timer. Simply set how long you want your little miscreant to study and attach the ball to their ankle. When the time is up, it'll unlock, allowing them to leave their rooms. Until then, however, it's study time. Or trying to run out of a burning house with a ball and chain time, but let's just hope that doesn't happen.
Hi George!
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"
View Original Article
company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"
View Original Article
Monday, May 18, 2009
The cats diary
The cats diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Source: http://ping.fm/JYcr5
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Source: http://ping.fm/JYcr5
Cowboy Boots
Cowboy Boots
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Helen looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
DIFFERENT?"
Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."
Original Source: http://ping.fm/UmqNk
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Helen looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
DIFFERENT?"
Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."
Original Source: http://ping.fm/UmqNk
Monday, May 11, 2009
Has Amazon Started a Price War?
Has Amazon Started a Price War?
Thursday April 9, 2009
This week, the iTunes Store started selling its 10 million+ songs without DRM copy protection (aka iTunes Plus) and introduced its new variable pricing structure. Operating at three pricing levels, you can purchase a song for $0.79, $0.99, or $1.29 depending on factors such as a song's age and popularity. The problem is, if you want to purchase a top 100 track, you'll now have to pay $1.29 instead of $0.99. You may argue that the extra 30 cents is worth it for a DRM-free track, and you'd probably have a good point - until you check out Amazon's prices.
In the highly competitive music downloads market, Amazon has ensured that the cost of most of its popular selling tracks are below the asking price of the iTunes Store. At the time of writing, Black Eyed Peas 'Boom Boom Pow' single for example is 30 cents cheaper if purchased from Amazon MP3. Another top selling single, Blame It (Featuring T. Pain) by Jamie Foxx, can also be downloaded from the Amazon MP3 store for 99 cents compared to $1.29 from the iTunes Store.
Wal-Mart also has a pricing structure that is more competitive than Apple. Songs can be purchased using their 3-tier system for $0.64, $0.94, and $1.24. How long before other music services feel the strain and join in on the looming price war
Source: http://ping.fm/wmJZk
Thursday April 9, 2009
This week, the iTunes Store started selling its 10 million+ songs without DRM copy protection (aka iTunes Plus) and introduced its new variable pricing structure. Operating at three pricing levels, you can purchase a song for $0.79, $0.99, or $1.29 depending on factors such as a song's age and popularity. The problem is, if you want to purchase a top 100 track, you'll now have to pay $1.29 instead of $0.99. You may argue that the extra 30 cents is worth it for a DRM-free track, and you'd probably have a good point - until you check out Amazon's prices.
In the highly competitive music downloads market, Amazon has ensured that the cost of most of its popular selling tracks are below the asking price of the iTunes Store. At the time of writing, Black Eyed Peas 'Boom Boom Pow' single for example is 30 cents cheaper if purchased from Amazon MP3. Another top selling single, Blame It (Featuring T. Pain) by Jamie Foxx, can also be downloaded from the Amazon MP3 store for 99 cents compared to $1.29 from the iTunes Store.
Wal-Mart also has a pricing structure that is more competitive than Apple. Songs can be purchased using their 3-tier system for $0.64, $0.94, and $1.24. How long before other music services feel the strain and join in on the looming price war
Source: http://ping.fm/wmJZk
Idiot rescue
Idiot rescue
Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing.
Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply.
"Okay Rodge," shouted Barry, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and.." but before he could finish, he heard Roger call "But both my legs are broke."
Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was "They're broken too!" So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, "You right there mate?" to which Rodger replied,"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........"
View Original
http://ping.fm/mZ2Rm
Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing.
Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply.
"Okay Rodge," shouted Barry, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and.." but before he could finish, he heard Roger call "But both my legs are broke."
Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was "They're broken too!" So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, "You right there mate?" to which Rodger replied,"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........"
View Original
http://ping.fm/mZ2Rm
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Stimulus spurs growth in green jobs
Story continues below ?
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Ciara Talks Steamy 'Love Sex Magic' Video With Justin Timberlake 'I had to lick his ear and do all that fun stuff,' singer says of track from Fantasy Ride
NEW YORK � As if Justin Timberlake weren't already one of the luckiest guys in the world, he had to "suffer" through grueling take after take during Ciara's steamy video shoot for "Love Sex Magic."
"Let me tell you � it's so funny, I have to say this," Ciara said to MTV News over the weekend. "I had to lick his ear and do all that fun stuff and bite it. And he had a moment where he was kind of licking on my neck. We were both going back and forth. We were really just freestyling. And Miss Diane [Martel, the director] wanted something edgy, and we all wanted to find a cool way to do it. And that just felt right.
"It was really funny because you would have moments where she would go, 'What we're gonna do now is the licking and the kissing on the neck and we're gonna do this take, then cut. OK, we need one more take of that,' " Ciara continued. "And so it's licking on the neck, again, then his biting on my neck, again. It was really funny."
The fellas might not exactly be cracking up at JT's misfortune, but Ciara said the entire experience of working with Timberlake was by far one of the best of her young career. Timberlake, who is featured on the song, also co-produced "Love Sex Magic" � from her Fantasy Ride LP, out Tuesday (May 5) � and had a hand in writing the number. Ciara said she rarely has a chance to actually venture into the studio to collaborate with artists; usually, the opportunity for a guest to contribute arises after she's recorded a song.
"I actually went into the studio to make the record from scratch, or he had the record there for me, but us being together was a very rare case I've had over the years," she explained. "It was really, really fun. He's very passionate about the work and down to earth. His attitude is just amazing.
"I was very excited about sprinkling that flavor on the album, because this record is about sharing the many sides of me and I wanted to make sure there was something for everybody on it and that record is another reflection of where I'm at [right now]."
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Swine Flu Survival Kit: 5 essential websites
Swine flu seems to be popping up all over the globe, and so is information (and misinformation) about it. Cooler heads prevail here at DVICE, where we've decided to use the power of technology and the Web to help us survive the deadly outbreak.
Here's where to find reliable information, and where not to go for updates:
50 Cent/ Fall Out Boy Tour Is Off To An Uneven Start
50 has performed at one of three scheduled gigs so far.
By James Montgomery
50 Cent
Photo: Jordan Strauss/WireImage
It seemed like an odd pairing from the day it was announced: 50 Cent and Fall Out Boy, sharing the stage for a spring tour. And so far, things have played out a little unevenly.
Fif, who was scheduled to appear at a total of five dates on FOB's Believers Never Die, Part Deux Tour, has made it to the stage for just one of the three gigs that have already taken place. After appearing in Dallas on Friday, he pulled out of Wednesday night's show in Orlando, Florida, due to "scheduling conflicts," and although the other date thus far � April 18 in Houston � was canceled due to inclement weather, some are speculating that 50 has dropped off the tour altogether.
So we reached out to Fall Out Boy's and 50 Cent's camps to find out what's up.
"He played the first date [April 17 in Dallas] ... then we had to cancel the whole show in Houston, but I saw him there too," FOB's Pete Wentz told MTV News in an e-mail. "[The Orlando show] was canceled due to studio obligations. From what I currently know, he'll be back for the others. It surprised me how easygoing he and his crew was. They put on a great show and the crowd was screaming the whole time."
FOB manager Bob McLynn added in an e-mail, "He's doing all the dates. He had to cancel Orlando at the last minute because he had to get back into the studio. He was there in Houston, but we had electrical storms and because it was outdoors the whole show was canceled. He will be at the remaining shows."
At press time, a spokesperson for 50 Cent's label, Interscope Records, could not be reached for comment on the tour.
The two remaining 50 Cent/ Fall Out Boy shows are a Friday-night gig at the deliciously-named Bojangles Coliseum in Charlotte, North Carolina, and the following night at the Merriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, Maryland.
Related Artists
CIARA'S HEIGHT SCARES OFF MEN
<p></p><div><p><img src="http://ping.fm/Y8gtO*VkLsfF0zgM-w1Gflmt1Scry/ciara_2386491.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="621" /></p>
According to Contactmusic.com, �R&B singer CIARA is worried she won't find a man - because of her height.
The Goodies star stands at more than 5ft 9in (1.55 metres), towering over most men she comes across.
And she's scared that her domineering height frightens off potential suitors.
She says, "Some guys are nervous about speaking to me. Maybe it's because I'm five foot nine-and-a-half. Since I've been doing music I don't really get asked out much."�</div><p><a href="http://ping.fm/FuR5K">View Original Article</a></p>
According to Contactmusic.com, �R&B singer CIARA is worried she won't find a man - because of her height.
The Goodies star stands at more than 5ft 9in (1.55 metres), towering over most men she comes across.
And she's scared that her domineering height frightens off potential suitors.
She says, "Some guys are nervous about speaking to me. Maybe it's because I'm five foot nine-and-a-half. Since I've been doing music I don't really get asked out much."�</div><p><a href="http://ping.fm/FuR5K">View Original Article</a></p>
50 Cent & Chace Crawford in the NY Post
<p></p><div><p><img src="http://ping.fm/BrBzi*fDjpb4FfOfvSkFWz5D2ELl5LIgR51CGISWahUeM9GOcpAfzbDOC0Mn6e-g2hX97vq09u3KCFpH58UdFo9Q1Wgfglza/post.JPG" alt="" width="600" height="401" /></p>
50 Cent and "Gossip Girl" star, Chace Crawford hang out on location in New York while filming their new movie "Twelve."
<p><img src="http://ping.fm/lhBRY*km3ClQtdNBAiABQDeRraeBtml9ejsOuMktzf2ka8MbYKw0Qr/50_chace.jpg" alt="" width="278" height="219" /></p></div><p><a href="http://ping.fm/IqiWB">View Original Article</a></p>
50 Cent and "Gossip Girl" star, Chace Crawford hang out on location in New York while filming their new movie "Twelve."
<p><img src="http://ping.fm/lhBRY*km3ClQtdNBAiABQDeRraeBtml9ejsOuMktzf2ka8MbYKw0Qr/50_chace.jpg" alt="" width="278" height="219" /></p></div><p><a href="http://ping.fm/IqiWB">View Original Article</a></p>
Obama touts 'new foundation'
Before watching Lost's 100th episode tonight, check out 15 other sci-fi milestones
Tonight, the TV show Lost hits the milestone of its 100th episode. Few sci-fi TV shows manage to reach 100 episodes�for example, even the long-running Quantum Leap only made it to 96�but when they do, we always look forward to it. The cast and crew will often have a big party, and the viewers are usually given a special episode to enjoy, something with stunt casting or major plot developments.
But that wasn't always the case. The 100th episode of The Twilight Zone was Ray Bradbury's "I Sing the Body Electric" (May 18, 1962) but nothing special was done for it, possibly because the program was an anthology show. Neither were the 100th episodes of Bewitched (March 9, 1967) or I Dream of Jeannie (January 6, 1969) anything special. The 100th serial of the original Doctor Who, "Stones of Blood," (October-November 1978) almost had a scene with a cake to celebrate the Doctor's 751st birthday, but in the end the show runners felt that it would be too self-indulgent to acknowledge the milestone.
Times have changed, however, and in the 1990s, sci-fi series began to offer special 100th episodes. Here, in chronological order, are 15 of sci-fi's most memorable 100th episodes:
FluGen creates a painless gadget for delivering swine flu vaccine
There might be a Swine Flu shot in the near future for you, but who wants to get stabbed by a sharp needle? It makes us dizzy just thinking about it. But help could be on the way. The brainiacs at FluGen figured out a way to deliver vaccine just under the skin, and not into the muscle, which is what hurts so much.
This nifty disposable micro device is a Swine Flu fighter that's about the size of a poker chip, and with a quick button press, its tiny pump sends the vaccine into a set of micro needles that are barely embedded into the top layer of your skin. You can hardly feel them.
While not the first idea of its type, FluGen's version is probably going to become reality soon, given the current Swine Flu outbreak. Even better news is that for some reason, this type of multi-pronged shallow injection is more effective against the flu. Also, more people will probably show up for the shot, since it's allegedly painless. Good timing � bring it on.
Via Reuters
Monday, April 27, 2009
Kids....
A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday
morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a
"Beep..Beep..Beep" asked his dad where the sound was coming
from.
His dad replied that the sound was coming from a nearby dump
truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people
behind it to get out of the way.
When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual)
and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large
lady.
All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the
little boy with fear in his eyes said "Look out dad she's
backing up!"
A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday
morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a
"Beep..Beep..Beep" asked his dad where the sound was coming
from.
His dad replied that the sound was coming from a nearby dump
truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people
behind it to get out of the way.
When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual)
and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large
lady.
All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the
little boy with fear in his eyes said "Look out dad she's
backing up!"
Syringe USB drive is one way to store your data
Told'Cha Myshwana Was Alien.. Now untold secrets...
People love their wacky USB drives, don't they? And why shouldn't they? I mean, most computers don't have a ton of personality to separate them from what everybody else is using, so you might as well get accessories that help you stand out from the crowd.
One such accessory is this Syringe Flash Drive. It's a bit questionable, but hey, I'm not one to judge your ever-important computer peripheral choices. So if you want to show the world that you're into injections as well as convenient data storage, here you go.
Brando via Book of Joe
Jay-Z: The Day Obama Got Elected, The Gangsta Became Less Relevant.
“Obama represents so much hope for blacks and Latinos. The hope he represents is bigger than any of the huge problems he could possibly correct,” he said. “When you have positive role models, you can change your life for the better. The day Obama got elected, the gangsta became less relevant.”
Source: Cigar Aficionado Magazine
Eminem - 3 A.M.
New one from Eminem titled 3 A.M. which is said to be the second single off Relapse, check it out and give us your feedback.
I don’t know about this one y’all…..Lyrics are there but I don’t know about everything else.
Download:Eminem - 3 A.M.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Opposite twins
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance
to each other was their looks. If one felt it
was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.
If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed
the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in
every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other
a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins'
birthday their father loaded the pessimist's
room with every imaginable toy and game. The
optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's
room and found him sitting amid his new gifts
crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have
to read all these instructions before I can do
anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need
batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,"
answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father
found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's
got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
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Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Friday, December 26, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Like Georgia in hell
Image via WikipediaLike Georgia in hell
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
"Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!"
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Thursday, December 18, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
50 Cent: The Money and the Power | Ep. 105
50 Cent: The Money and the Power
Ep. 105 'The Hustler's Eye'
Team Money and Team Power experience a major shift in their team dynamics.
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Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Monday, December 08, 2008
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Police Academy
Image via WikipediaA lisping police chief inspires a new set of cadets. Molly Shannon makes a guest appearance.
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Monday, November 24, 2008
Husbands Performance
Image via WikipediaHusbands Performance
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor.He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic.He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
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Friday, November 21, 2008
I Am Just A Normal Guy But All My Dreams Are Kinky
Image by nickso2 via FlickrHere is a weird funny song I wrote a while ago, and to this day cannot put it to music - that makes it a poem.I Am Just A Normal Guy But
All My Dreams Are Kinky
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I don't understand it, it's to normal things I'm geared
By day my life is sane, but at night my dreams are weird
I'm just a normal fella who goes off to work each day
I do my job, lunch with my mates, each week collect my pay
But in the night I dread the bed, each night is just the same
Cause all my dreams are kinky, one overnight sick game.
I'm dressed in a G-string tied in a bow
There's a chicken in a garter belt, Oh God no!
Birds fly by and wolf whistle overhead
Don't roll over there's a roo in the bed ...
15 Strippers all in a row
All with bra-straps ready to blow
One pretty lady dancin' in my lap
Don't you touch or you'll get a nasty slap.
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I think one day when I was small, Ma dropped me in the sink
By day I'm just a normal sod, by all my dreams are kinked
I'd like to have a girlfriend, but it just never does work out
We get on fine until they find what my night dreams are about
Then they drop me like a stone, they say they can't compete
With nude three-breasted women with vibrators on their feet
Hippos in tutus, hot oil & cream
Chains and whips all to make me scream
Lizards & snakes all in strange places
They're gettin' it on & making lewd faces
When dreaming the nightclubs everywhere
Are chock full of animals in underwear
Teddy Bears in teddies, wombats in hot pants
All we need now is a couple thousand ants
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
My life could be near perfect, my life could be real fun
If only when I slept the chorus girls weren't dressed like nuns
I went to see a famous shrink, to straighten out my head
I told him if I can't get fixed I might as well be dead
He laid me down & said "tell me of your erotic dreams"
I said "One feather is erotic, not whole chickens soaked in cream!"
There are female wrestlers all covered in jelly
Exotic dancers doing things with their bellies
A cute sexy lady, covered in mud
Whispers in my ear with the voice of Elmer Fudd
There are strong males strippers with bricks in their jocks
With all those square corners they couldn't be socks
This stuff all around me is one kinky dream
Whatever you imagine I'm sure to have a theme
I guess it is my lot to life, can't beat it so I'll join
I suppose that they are only dreams they don't even cost a coin
So if at night you happen to hear me in my sleep
Just think, "that lucky bugger, is dancing naked tending sheep."
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I don't under stand it, it's to normal things I'm geared
By day my life is sane, but at night my dreams are weird
Copyright; 1998 S. L. (Woody) Meltcher
Link: Funny Poems and Poetry
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Monday, November 17, 2008
Image by Capture Queen ™ via Flickr
I'll find someone.
Put it back in the hole
Image via Wikipedia
Put it back in the hole
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.He says,"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Link: JokesUnlimited
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Image by Getty Images via Daylife50 CENT urges fans not to take infighting between rappers too seriously, because it's in their nature to behave like boxers.
The In Da Club hitmaker has enjoyed high profile feuds with a number of his rap contemporaries.
But he insists there's no real hatred in hip hop.
Fiddy explains, "A lot of the back and forth you hear is just the competitiveness. Rappers condition themselves like fighters."
11/16/2008 11:33:40 PM
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Friday, November 14, 2008
Put it in his mouth
Put it in his mouth
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar."I'll try..." said a small woman, "But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!"
Link: http://ping.fm/7fSNk
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar."I'll try..." said a small woman, "But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!"
Link: http://ping.fm/7fSNk
Monday, November 10, 2008
Doctors Orders
Doctors Orders
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Link: http://ping.fm/jmywo
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Link: http://ping.fm/jmywo
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
The Love Dress
The Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said. (MEAN MEAN MAN)
Link:http://ping.fm/82o2Q
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said. (MEAN MEAN MAN)
Link:http://ping.fm/82o2Q
Monday, November 03, 2008
A Lesson in Church
A Lesson in Church
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!"The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Link: http://ping.fm/9G3Dj
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!"The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Link: http://ping.fm/9G3Dj
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Singing bird
Singing bird
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
"That's fantastic," said the customer.
"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"
When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!
Link: http://ping.fm/hWC8e
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
"That's fantastic," said the customer.
"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"
When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!
Link: http://ping.fm/hWC8e
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Blog title...JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - TIMBERLAKE TO HOST BENEFIT SHOW
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE will be joined by THE JONAS BROTHERS, RIHANNA and 50 CENT as he hosts a children's charity performance.
The SexyBack singer will compere the show, entitled Justin Timberlake and Friends: A Special Evening Benefiting the Shriners Hospitals for Children, which will also feature performances from Adam Levine from Maroon 5, Leona Lewis, and Boyz II Men.
The show will take place on Friday (17Oct08) at the Planet Hollywood Resort Theatre for the Performing Arts in Las Vegas.
10/14/2008 07:07:09 PM
Link: http://ping.fm/rkovH
The SexyBack singer will compere the show, entitled Justin Timberlake and Friends: A Special Evening Benefiting the Shriners Hospitals for Children, which will also feature performances from Adam Levine from Maroon 5, Leona Lewis, and Boyz II Men.
The show will take place on Friday (17Oct08) at the Planet Hollywood Resort Theatre for the Performing Arts in Las Vegas.
10/14/2008 07:07:09 PM
Link: http://ping.fm/rkovH
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
50 Cent Unleashes His Fourth Album Before I Self Destruct
Superstar Also Makes His Directorial Debut with Before I Self Destruct, a
90-minute Original Film
NEW YORK, Oct. 13 /PRNewswire/ -- 50 Cent exploded onto the music scene
with his blockbuster debut Get Rich Or Die Tryin'. Now he's set to deliver
his fourth major label album, Before I Self Destruct
(Shady/Aftermath/Interscope), on December 9, 2008.
For the explosive Before I Self Destruct, 50 Cent returned to working
closely with Dr. Dre and Eminem as he did on his first album. But Before I
Self Destruct is more than an album. The package also includes a DVD with
an original, gritty, feature-length movie he wrote, directed and starred
in. 50 Cent proves with Before I Self Destruct that no one on the hip-hop
scene is more aggressive about putting the street on stage.
With Dr. Dre and Eminem each producing and guesting on tracks, and led
by the club-friendly first single, "Get Up," produced by Scott Storch,
Before I Self Destruct is darker and harder than last year's Curtis. 50
Cent wrote much of the album while he, as Curtis Jackson, was also penning
the 90-minute film of the same name that would be his directorial debut.
The film Before I Self Destruct is a coming of age story about an inner
city youth raised by a hardworking single mother. When his dream of
becoming a basketball player fails to materialize, he finds himself
employed in a supermarket. After his mother is tragically gunned down,
Clarence (played by Jackson) is consumed by revenge and takes up a life of
crime in order to support his younger brother.
"My film captures the harsh realities that reflect so many communities
today. There will be some who will greatly identify with the characters and
the situations presented and then there will be others who may be shocked
at the struggles that go on in the inner city," states 50 Cent. "I made the
film for both groups."
Before I Self Destruct, both album and film, continues 50 Cent's
phenomenal rise from street culture hero to superstardom. 2003's Get Rich
Or Die Tryin' sold 872,000 units in the first four days of its release,
making it the fastest-selling debut disc in the SoundScan era (since 1991).
The #1 Pop, #1 R&B/Hip-hop album was the biggest seller of 2003 and has
sold more than 12 million copies worldwide.
2005's The Massacre, again #1 Pop, #1 R&B/Hip-hop, was the second
biggest-selling album of that year and has sold more than nine million
copies worldwide. With the album's "Candy Shop," "Disco Inferno" and "How
We Do," 50 Cent became the first solo artist in Billboard history to have
three singles in the Top 5 in the same week.
2007's Curtis reached #2 Pop and #2 R&B/Hip-hop, selling more than five
million copies worldwide. Three tracks reached the Top 40 of the Hot 100:
"I Get Money," "Ayo Technology" and "Straight To The Bank." Time magazine
named "I Get Money" one of "The 10 Best Songs of 2007."
Thanks to Curtis, 50 Cent was honored as the year's Best-Selling
Hip-hop Artist at the 2007 World Music Awards. His music career has also
been marked by an impressive 13 Grammy nominations, from Best New Artist to
Best Rap Album.
In addition to his record label, G-Unit Records, 50 Cent has enjoyed
enormous global success across a vast array of entrepreneurial ventures,
including videogames, books, clothing, footwear, beverages, personal care
products, automotive and more. He has also starred in a handful of films,
including 2005's semi-autobiographical Get Rich Or Die Tryin', Al Pacino
and Robert De Niro's Righteous Kill and now Before I Self Destruct.
BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT TRAILER:
http://ping.fm/9kApJ
Link: http://ping.fm/n9LAc
SOURCE Interscope Records
90-minute Original Film
NEW YORK, Oct. 13 /PRNewswire/ -- 50 Cent exploded onto the music scene
with his blockbuster debut Get Rich Or Die Tryin'. Now he's set to deliver
his fourth major label album, Before I Self Destruct
(Shady/Aftermath/Interscope), on December 9, 2008.
For the explosive Before I Self Destruct, 50 Cent returned to working
closely with Dr. Dre and Eminem as he did on his first album. But Before I
Self Destruct is more than an album. The package also includes a DVD with
an original, gritty, feature-length movie he wrote, directed and starred
in. 50 Cent proves with Before I Self Destruct that no one on the hip-hop
scene is more aggressive about putting the street on stage.
With Dr. Dre and Eminem each producing and guesting on tracks, and led
by the club-friendly first single, "Get Up," produced by Scott Storch,
Before I Self Destruct is darker and harder than last year's Curtis. 50
Cent wrote much of the album while he, as Curtis Jackson, was also penning
the 90-minute film of the same name that would be his directorial debut.
The film Before I Self Destruct is a coming of age story about an inner
city youth raised by a hardworking single mother. When his dream of
becoming a basketball player fails to materialize, he finds himself
employed in a supermarket. After his mother is tragically gunned down,
Clarence (played by Jackson) is consumed by revenge and takes up a life of
crime in order to support his younger brother.
"My film captures the harsh realities that reflect so many communities
today. There will be some who will greatly identify with the characters and
the situations presented and then there will be others who may be shocked
at the struggles that go on in the inner city," states 50 Cent. "I made the
film for both groups."
Before I Self Destruct, both album and film, continues 50 Cent's
phenomenal rise from street culture hero to superstardom. 2003's Get Rich
Or Die Tryin' sold 872,000 units in the first four days of its release,
making it the fastest-selling debut disc in the SoundScan era (since 1991).
The #1 Pop, #1 R&B/Hip-hop album was the biggest seller of 2003 and has
sold more than 12 million copies worldwide.
2005's The Massacre, again #1 Pop, #1 R&B/Hip-hop, was the second
biggest-selling album of that year and has sold more than nine million
copies worldwide. With the album's "Candy Shop," "Disco Inferno" and "How
We Do," 50 Cent became the first solo artist in Billboard history to have
three singles in the Top 5 in the same week.
2007's Curtis reached #2 Pop and #2 R&B/Hip-hop, selling more than five
million copies worldwide. Three tracks reached the Top 40 of the Hot 100:
"I Get Money," "Ayo Technology" and "Straight To The Bank." Time magazine
named "I Get Money" one of "The 10 Best Songs of 2007."
Thanks to Curtis, 50 Cent was honored as the year's Best-Selling
Hip-hop Artist at the 2007 World Music Awards. His music career has also
been marked by an impressive 13 Grammy nominations, from Best New Artist to
Best Rap Album.
In addition to his record label, G-Unit Records, 50 Cent has enjoyed
enormous global success across a vast array of entrepreneurial ventures,
including videogames, books, clothing, footwear, beverages, personal care
products, automotive and more. He has also starred in a handful of films,
including 2005's semi-autobiographical Get Rich Or Die Tryin', Al Pacino
and Robert De Niro's Righteous Kill and now Before I Self Destruct.
BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT TRAILER:
http://ping.fm/9kApJ
Link: http://ping.fm/n9LAc
SOURCE Interscope Records
Set it free
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes, your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, then you either married or gave birth to it.
Link: http://ping.fm/0zFZI
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes, your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, then you either married or gave birth to it.
Link: http://ping.fm/0zFZI
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