Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

Religious...
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually
fearing you will make one.

One-Liners...
Life's too short to argue, I'm ALWAYS right!

Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...

1. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

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99 Condoms

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter
where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she
finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99
condoms please."

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99
Condoms!?! Fuck me!"

The Mammogram

Mr. Schneider stood up in court.

"As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do." ===========================================

Hitchhiking Woman

A traveling saleswoman is driving toward home in Arizona when she sees an Indian woman hitchhiking. She stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", she asks. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband".

The Indian woman is silent for a while, then nods and says, "You made a good trade".

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The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to
actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts
to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you
should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around
doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared.
But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these
simple exercises:


1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts
(either will do) between the two bookends and smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.


2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast
into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.


3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the
garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear
tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will
slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat
on the other side.

Quotes...

Friendship is constant in all other things,

Save in the office and affairs of love. - William Shakespeare

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the
garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate
and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new
fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve
to go get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which
night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of
childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where

he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

Proverbs...

"Exceptions always outnumber rules."

Blog for yahoo....get link when posted

Condom Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your rapper.

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection! Protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.

22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

25. No glove, No love.

26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.

29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.

The Incredibly Dumb 06 27 06 myspace

The Incredibly Dumb

• AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
• Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
• An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
• A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
• A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
• 
  
• Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

==========================================================================

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her?" "No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, then you'd look like her."

===========================================

Words of Wisdom...

Numbers are like people;

torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.

posted at myspace

Some Thoughts on Marriage

Some Thoughts on Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad:
That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the
man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman

speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak
and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but
I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says
Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the
world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like her
to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God
says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh,"
says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Still Thinking of Marriage....Dont Test him....LMAO....oops

Men Control your wifes....lol

Adult Joke on Marriage...


MARRIAGE..UMM WHAT U THINK

Kisses ... Shwana

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plus

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plus

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall,

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall,
Who’s the Cheapest of them all

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom
thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She
showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30. "That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing
disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew
agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something
real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror!

Small World

Small World

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

Technorati Profile

Technorati Profile

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decidedto check out the local Whore House. He walked in and wasassigned a young girl with a body that got him "up"immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he startedripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese,"Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for

his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them withhis new knowledge of their language. When one of them got ahole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of themasked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

Frappr! Friends Map

When is a door not a door?

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing oneanother for some time. After inquiring about each other'shealth one asked how the other's husband was doing."Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up acabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down deadright there in the middle of the vegetable patch!""Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did youdo?""Opened a can of peas instead!"

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When is a door not a door?When it is ajar.

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