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Easy Listening!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I needed to know this yesterday.. its a day late
Aries Love Horoscope
Frustrations and obstacles in your relationships with others arise at this time. You feel like others do not really understand you and do not cooperate with you, and that to do anything right, you have to do it yourself. This can be a very self defeating attitude, try to look outside your own perception and see how you can find some win win situations.
Aries Love Horoscope
Frustrations and obstacles in your relationships with others arise at this time. You feel like others do not really understand you and do not cooperate with you, and that to do anything right, you have to do it yourself. This can be a very self defeating attitude, try to look outside your own perception and see how you can find some win win situations.
Aries Horoscope (why why oh why)
tastes may run more to distaste for the moment, where what you don't like influences your goals as much as what you do like. In the avoidance of one flavor, however, don't fling yourself into the arms of something even more undesirable. Better to fast than to swallow something ugly you'll regret later.
tastes may run more to distaste for the moment, where what you don't like influences your goals as much as what you do like. In the avoidance of one flavor, however, don't fling yourself into the arms of something even more undesirable. Better to fast than to swallow something ugly you'll regret later.
50 Cent - Behind The Music (Preview) - Eminem's MySpace Blog |
Eminem posted a new blog entry:
Now i can delete from DVR..
From: http://ping.fm/sbogA
Now i can delete from DVR..
From: http://ping.fm/sbogA
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Spaghetti
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." marriage Humor Spaghetti
http://ping.fm/A0cUq
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." marriage Humor Spaghetti
http://ping.fm/A0cUq
The dirty fork
The dirty fork
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..." lol Humor
http://ping.fm/OqadV
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..." lol Humor
http://ping.fm/OqadV
Black Magic
Black Magic
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!" http://ping.fm/YbJlg
#lol Humor
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!" http://ping.fm/YbJlg
#lol Humor
Put a rubber on it
Put a rubber on it
A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"
The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!" lmao lol http://ping.fm/G6zpk
A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"
The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!" lmao lol http://ping.fm/G6zpk
A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph
A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw
the flashing red and blue lights.
Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he
accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and
pulled over to the side.
The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a
word. He looked at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift
and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore
paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that
I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a
reply. "Last week I found my wife fucking a cop" he said, "and
I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer. lol humor
the flashing red and blue lights.
Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he
accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and
pulled over to the side.
The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a
word. He looked at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift
and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore
paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that
I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a
reply. "Last week I found my wife fucking a cop" he said, "and
I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer. lol humor
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Shwana Words of Wisdom wants you to check out a photo on MySpace in the My Photos album ( http://ping.fm/tnTUj )
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
[Executive Orders]: Can someone explain to me why... - LPH� and his dog P� - FriendFeed Banks Rip Off (http://ping.fm/riXoG)
Saturday, October 10, 2009
50 Cent Plans To Expand 'ThisIs50' Fest
50 Cent held his first annual "ThisIs50" Fest at New York's Governor's Island last weekend, and considering his career has been tarnished with a number of hip hop feuds, the Queens rapper managed to bring together some of New York rap's elite for the event.
On the bill were Slaughterhouse, Uncle Murda, Maino, Corey Gunz, Young Trav, D-Block, Red Café, Jim Jones, Juelz Santana, Papoose, Ron Browz, Al Be Back and 50 Cent's own G-Unit crew. Additionally, Kid Cudi, Wale, Wyclef Jean and the two surviving members of 90s R&B group Intro took the stage as well.
"I had to touch base with everyone and everybody saw how it made sense to get together and make some real money. And then artists influenced other artists to join," 50 Cent told Billboard about how the concert came about. "A lot of the artists out here tonight deserve to be on a regular Summer Jam bill, but we have to make our own Summer Jam because they [radio stations] are not recognizing their [new rappers'] material."
50 also revealed he plans to take '50 Fest' on the road, with scheduled stops in L.A. and Atlanta next. "Once they see us all here together at the same time with no issues, no incidents and no problems, they'll let us do it wherever we want," he said. "After Hot 97 [New York radio station that supported '50' fest], we're going to step to Power 106 in L.A. and then Atlanta and we'll continue moving around until we load the whole map up."
In the past, 50 Cent has had public disputes with rappers like Ja Rule, Fat Joe, The Game and most recently, Rick Ross, among others. Still, 50 assures fans can see him collaborate more closely with other artists, especially those from his hometown, moving forward. "In the future, don't be surprised when you see all of us collaborating and working together on different projects -- not necessarily a song, but something bigger," he says.
50 Cent's upcoming album, the oft-delayed Before I Self Destruct, is now slated to be released on November 17th via G-Unit/Shady Records/Aftermath/Interscope Records. 50cent
# Posted: 10/10/2009 6:21:34 AM by Black widow# http://ping.fm/QqnNL
On the bill were Slaughterhouse, Uncle Murda, Maino, Corey Gunz, Young Trav, D-Block, Red Café, Jim Jones, Juelz Santana, Papoose, Ron Browz, Al Be Back and 50 Cent's own G-Unit crew. Additionally, Kid Cudi, Wale, Wyclef Jean and the two surviving members of 90s R&B group Intro took the stage as well.
"I had to touch base with everyone and everybody saw how it made sense to get together and make some real money. And then artists influenced other artists to join," 50 Cent told Billboard about how the concert came about. "A lot of the artists out here tonight deserve to be on a regular Summer Jam bill, but we have to make our own Summer Jam because they [radio stations] are not recognizing their [new rappers'] material."
50 also revealed he plans to take '50 Fest' on the road, with scheduled stops in L.A. and Atlanta next. "Once they see us all here together at the same time with no issues, no incidents and no problems, they'll let us do it wherever we want," he said. "After Hot 97 [New York radio station that supported '50' fest], we're going to step to Power 106 in L.A. and then Atlanta and we'll continue moving around until we load the whole map up."
In the past, 50 Cent has had public disputes with rappers like Ja Rule, Fat Joe, The Game and most recently, Rick Ross, among others. Still, 50 assures fans can see him collaborate more closely with other artists, especially those from his hometown, moving forward. "In the future, don't be surprised when you see all of us collaborating and working together on different projects -- not necessarily a song, but something bigger," he says.
50 Cent's upcoming album, the oft-delayed Before I Self Destruct, is now slated to be released on November 17th via G-Unit/Shady Records/Aftermath/Interscope Records. 50cent
# Posted: 10/10/2009 6:21:34 AM by Black widow# http://ping.fm/QqnNL
First Time
First Time
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!" Humor http://ping.fm/rcO6L
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!" Humor http://ping.fm/rcO6L
Taste test
Taste test
A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass." Humor http://ping.fm/9MEQW
A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass." Humor http://ping.fm/9MEQW
Going to the bathroom at night
Going to the bathroom at night
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?How is your connection with God?"And the man says, "Oh me and God?We're tight.We have a real bond, he's good to me.Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves.Is this true?"And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!" Humor http://ping.fm/kkqFn
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?How is your connection with God?"And the man says, "Oh me and God?We're tight.We have a real bond, he's good to me.Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves.Is this true?"And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!" Humor http://ping.fm/kkqFn
What does it taste like
What does it taste like
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" Humor http://ping.fm/F5zZJ
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" Humor http://ping.fm/F5zZJ
The Boss
When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over
who would be the Boss.
The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of
the body, he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they
took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.
The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he
digested all the food, he should be the boss.
The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they
should be Boss.
Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job. The other parts of the
body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed
up.
After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the
Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see.
They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.
This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...Just an
Ass Hole. Humor
who would be the Boss.
The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of
the body, he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they
took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.
The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he
digested all the food, he should be the boss.
The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they
should be Boss.
Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job. The other parts of the
body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed
up.
After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the
Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see.
They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.
This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...Just an
Ass Hole. Humor
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Donate $1.00 get free photo dvd. 20-100 pictures from any digital media.. ONE DAY ONLY TODAY.. (http://ping.fm/MbFhy)
Donate $1.00 get free photo dvd. 20-100 pictures from any digital midia.. ONE DAY ONLY TODAY.. (http://ping.fm/R1HNK)
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Who to marry
Who to marry
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to
himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but
teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband
wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What
happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a
nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary,
you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called
for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the
door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and
pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone
operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes
are up, your three minutes are up." Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the
teachers husband would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man waswearing only his boxers, his
hair was a mess,and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst,
asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily
replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last
night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until
we get right." Jokes
From: http://ping.fm/om1yp
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to
himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but
teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband
wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What
happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a
nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary,
you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called
for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the
door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and
pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone
operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes
are up, your three minutes are up." Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the
teachers husband would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man waswearing only his boxers, his
hair was a mess,and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst,
asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily
replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last
night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until
we get right." Jokes
From: http://ping.fm/om1yp
Expert in the kitchen
Expert in the kitchen
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..." humor
From: http://ping.fm/IUMLG
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..." humor
From: http://ping.fm/IUMLG
Telesales (LMAO)
Telesales
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.
I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing)
- Me: Hello
- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
- Me: Is this AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
- Me: This is AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
- Me: Is this AT&T?
- AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
- Me: May I ask who is calling?
- AT&T: This is AT&T.
- Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
- Me: Hello?
- AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
- Me: May I ask who is calling please?
- AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
- Me: Is this AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
- Me: This is AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
- Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes sir.
- Me: The phone company?
- AT&T: Yes sir.
- Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
- AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
- Me: I already have a phone.
- AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
- Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.
- AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
- Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
- AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes
- sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
- Me: 7 days a week?
- AT&T: That's right.
- Me: 365 days a year?
- AT&T: Yes sir.
- Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
- AT&T: We think so!
- Me: That's quite a sum of money!
- AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
- Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
- AT&T: Excuse me?
- Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
- AT&T: What are you talking about?
- Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
- AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
- Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
- AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
- Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
- AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
- Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
- AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
- Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
- AT&T: What?
- Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
- AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
- Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
- Me: Yeth?
- Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
- Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
- Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
- Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
- Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
- Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
- AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
- Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
- AT&T: (click)
From: http://ping.fm/VS1s0
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.
I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing)
- Me: Hello
- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
- Me: Is this AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
- Me: This is AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
- Me: Is this AT&T?
- AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
- Me: May I ask who is calling?
- AT&T: This is AT&T.
- Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
- Me: Hello?
- AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
- Me: May I ask who is calling please?
- AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
- Me: Is this AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
- Me: This is AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
- Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
- AT&T: Yes sir.
- Me: The phone company?
- AT&T: Yes sir.
- Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
- AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
- Me: I already have a phone.
- AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
- Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.
- AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
- Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
- AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes
- sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
- Me: 7 days a week?
- AT&T: That's right.
- Me: 365 days a year?
- AT&T: Yes sir.
- Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
- AT&T: We think so!
- Me: That's quite a sum of money!
- AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
- Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
- AT&T: Excuse me?
- Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
- AT&T: What are you talking about?
- Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
- AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
- Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
- AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
- Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
- AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
- Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
- AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
- Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
- AT&T: What?
- Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
- AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
- Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
- Me: Yeth?
- Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
- Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
- Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
- Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
- Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
- Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
- AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
- Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
- AT&T: (click)
From: http://ping.fm/VS1s0
Hunting in the jungle
Hunting in the jungle
Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.
So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill deer."
So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill buffalo."
The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...and...I got hit by a train." Humor
From: http://ping.fm/fnI28
Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.
So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill deer."
So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill buffalo."
The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...and...I got hit by a train." Humor
From: http://ping.fm/fnI28
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Friendship is what binds the world together in peace, may we all become friends. I owe! I owe! So off to work I go! I owe! I owe! So off to work I go! http://ping.fm/PM2L5
Alimony
Alimony
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Humor
From: http://ping.fm/HEmGy
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Humor
From: http://ping.fm/HEmGy
Bubba and his Lawyer
Bubba and his Lawyer
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin', can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with ?" Humor
From: http://ping.fm/LSXYd
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin', can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with ?" Humor
From: http://ping.fm/LSXYd
Finally Famous: Born A Thug, Still A Thug - Trick Daddy | Album Reviews > HipHopDX.com (http://ping.fm/R4MIH)
MOMS: Want To Get Your Sexy Back?
MOMS: Want To Get Your Sexy Back?
The Doctors TV, Topic FeedYesterday at 1:44 PM
Are you a Califonia mom who feels she's not the same sexy person she once was? Have you lost your sense of adventure and feel odler than you really are? Do you want to feel sexy, wild and young again inside and out? Do you want to feel as healthy as you were in your 20's full of energy and ten pounds lighter? If so, we want to give your sexy back! Tell us your story!
From: http://ping.fm/0zQGW
The Doctors TV, Topic FeedYesterday at 1:44 PM
Are you a Califonia mom who feels she's not the same sexy person she once was? Have you lost your sense of adventure and feel odler than you really are? Do you want to feel sexy, wild and young again inside and out? Do you want to feel as healthy as you were in your 20's full of energy and ten pounds lighter? If so, we want to give your sexy back! Tell us your story!
From: http://ping.fm/0zQGW
Do you have a flat butt? (OH MY DO I)
IN OTHER WORDS YES I DO
Do you have a flat butt? Have you always wanted curves like Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez? Would you consider getting butt implant?
If you are sick of your flat butt and want help, we want to hear from you!
From: http://ping.fm/sVnjm
Do you have a flat butt? Have you always wanted curves like Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez? Would you consider getting butt implant?
If you are sick of your flat butt and want help, we want to hear from you!
From: http://ping.fm/sVnjm
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Microsoft tech drafted
Microsoft tech drafted
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...
"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"#humor
From: http://ping.fm/5tjUf
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...
"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"#humor
From: http://ping.fm/5tjUf
Lipstick on the mirror
Lipstick on the mirror
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
From: http://ping.fm/iaU7A
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
From: http://ping.fm/iaU7A
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Not another virus
Not another virus
*** VIRUS ALERT ***
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection...#Humor
From: http://ping.fm/4Oyio
*** VIRUS ALERT ***
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection...#Humor
From: http://ping.fm/4Oyio
Asylum fence
Asylum fence
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" "jokes
From: http://ping.fm/orARz
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" "jokes
From: http://ping.fm/orARz
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Growing Old...
Growing Old...
I'm so depressed...I went to the Dr.today and he refused to
write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.
LMAO.. OK REQUEST BEEN FILLED..
GOOD NITE.. LST 1 DID IT FOR ME.. HEHE
#Humor
I'm so depressed...I went to the Dr.today and he refused to
write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.
LMAO.. OK REQUEST BEEN FILLED..
GOOD NITE.. LST 1 DID IT FOR ME.. HEHE
#Humor
Proverbs...
Proverbs...
Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.
Life's Quips...
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have
never forgotten this.
One-Liners...
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.-Groucho Marx
#Humor
Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.
Life's Quips...
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have
never forgotten this.
One-Liners...
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.-Groucho Marx
#Humor
Quotes
Quotes...
A friend is a present you give to yourself. - Robert Louis
Stevenson
Quotes...
"The believer is happy. The doubter is wise."
-- Hungarian proverb
School...
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small
minds discuss people.
#siglets
A friend is a present you give to yourself. - Robert Louis
Stevenson
Quotes...
"The believer is happy. The doubter is wise."
-- Hungarian proverb
School...
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small
minds discuss people.
#siglets
Todays siglets
Quotes...
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what
feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist
whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a
doormat. - Rebecca West, 1913
Love...
"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love,
"Will you still make love like that to me after we're married
?"He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think
so. I've always been especially fond of married women." (MyShwana's LHAO)
Friends stab you in the back.
True friends stab you in the front.
Best friends help you kick their asses.
#Humor
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what
feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist
whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a
doormat. - Rebecca West, 1913
Love...
"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love,
"Will you still make love like that to me after we're married
?"He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think
so. I've always been especially fond of married women." (MyShwana's LHAO)
Friends stab you in the back.
True friends stab you in the front.
Best friends help you kick their asses.
#Humor
Friday, September 18, 2009
Bus load of politicians
Bus load of politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
#Humor
From: http://ping.fm/KGNcz
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
#Humor
From: http://ping.fm/KGNcz
Funeral arrangements
Funeral arrangements
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
#Humor
From: http://ping.fm/zPSfC
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
#Humor
From: http://ping.fm/zPSfC
The lumberjack
The lumberjack
A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.
"Take your axe and go cut it down!"
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back...
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!
#jokes, Humor,
From: http://ping.fm/00MZg
A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.
"Take your axe and go cut it down!"
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back...
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!
#jokes, Humor,
From: http://ping.fm/00MZg
One-Liners...
One-Liners...
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you
can't wipe your friends on the couch.
#jokes, one-Liners
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you
can't wipe your friends on the couch.
#jokes, one-Liners
Monday, September 14, 2009
YouTube - 50 Cent Offers Kanye a Knuckle Sandwich
Just a big fan, and my boy at it again
From: http://ping.fm/zAON6
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Funny Speeding Joke
Funny Speeding Joke
Posted on July 4, 2009 by quotes
Speeding?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following
her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies’ room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Then,
without batting an eye, she said coyly, “I’ll bet none of
you thought I would make it.
From: http://ping.fm/L4PjP
Posted on July 4, 2009 by quotes
Speeding?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following
her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies’ room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Then,
without batting an eye, she said coyly, “I’ll bet none of
you thought I would make it.
From: http://ping.fm/L4PjP
Friday, September 11, 2009
A Marriage Made In Heaven | Funny and Jokes
One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.
Saint Peter In Heaven JokeThe couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”
From: http://ping.fm/NVSrv
Saint Peter In Heaven JokeThe couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”
From: http://ping.fm/NVSrv
Crazy Act of Bravery by Police Officer
Crazy Act of Bravery by Police Officer
June 22nd, 2009 · 10 Comments
Here is a strange little story about bravery in the line of duty? Real brave officers tasers a 72 year old woman?
A 72-year-old woman who refused to sign her speeding ticket got out of her truck and dared a deputy to shock her with a Taser. So he did. Video released by a Travis County Constable’s Office shows Kathryn Winkfein hitting the ground and moaning while the shocks jolted through her body after the May 11 confrontation with Travis County Sheriff’s Deputy Chris Bieze.
Winkfein was stopped for driving 60 mph (96 kilometre) in a 45-mph (72-kilometre) zone just west of Austin. A dashboard camera in the deputy’s car shows the 4-foot-11 (1.5 metres) Winkfein refusing to sign her speeding ticket, getting out of her white pickup truck and cursing at the deputy constable.
Bieze then pushes her to get her away from traffic. “If you don’t step back, you’re going to get Tased,” Bieze says. “Go ahead, Tase me,” Winkfein says. “I dare you.”
The video shows Bieze using the Taser and Winkfein hitting the ground and moaning in pain. “Put your hands behind your back or you’re going to be Tased again,” Bieze yells, and then hits her with another jolt. Travis County Sheriff Greg Hamilton, whose office does not oversee the constables, issued a statement Wednesday saying:
“I do not personally agree with the actions of the deputy constable as they are shown in the video. When I look at the video I am in awe of what happened.” Winkfein was eventually charged with resisting arrest, a misdemeanour punishable by up to a year in jail and fines up to $4,000.
A telephone message left with Constable Sgt. Maj. Gary Griffin of the constable’s office was not immediately returned Wednesday. Telephone calls to a number listed for Kathryn Winkfein in Marble Falls, about 50 miles (80 kilometres) west of Austin, went unanswered.
Griffin has defended Bieze’s actions and said that Winkfein was belligerent and difficult to handle. Winkfein previously told Austin television station KTBC that she didn’t believe she deserved to be shocked. “I wasn’t argumentative, I was not combative. This is a lie,” she told the station. This cop should definitely receive a medal for this act of bravery, I am sure his fellow officers will not let him live this one down.
Tags: Of the Weird · Offbeat Stuff · Might Be True · Odd Accomplisments
From: http://ping.fm/F2v6L
June 22nd, 2009 · 10 Comments
Here is a strange little story about bravery in the line of duty? Real brave officers tasers a 72 year old woman?
A 72-year-old woman who refused to sign her speeding ticket got out of her truck and dared a deputy to shock her with a Taser. So he did. Video released by a Travis County Constable’s Office shows Kathryn Winkfein hitting the ground and moaning while the shocks jolted through her body after the May 11 confrontation with Travis County Sheriff’s Deputy Chris Bieze.
Winkfein was stopped for driving 60 mph (96 kilometre) in a 45-mph (72-kilometre) zone just west of Austin. A dashboard camera in the deputy’s car shows the 4-foot-11 (1.5 metres) Winkfein refusing to sign her speeding ticket, getting out of her white pickup truck and cursing at the deputy constable.
Bieze then pushes her to get her away from traffic. “If you don’t step back, you’re going to get Tased,” Bieze says. “Go ahead, Tase me,” Winkfein says. “I dare you.”
The video shows Bieze using the Taser and Winkfein hitting the ground and moaning in pain. “Put your hands behind your back or you’re going to be Tased again,” Bieze yells, and then hits her with another jolt. Travis County Sheriff Greg Hamilton, whose office does not oversee the constables, issued a statement Wednesday saying:
“I do not personally agree with the actions of the deputy constable as they are shown in the video. When I look at the video I am in awe of what happened.” Winkfein was eventually charged with resisting arrest, a misdemeanour punishable by up to a year in jail and fines up to $4,000.
A telephone message left with Constable Sgt. Maj. Gary Griffin of the constable’s office was not immediately returned Wednesday. Telephone calls to a number listed for Kathryn Winkfein in Marble Falls, about 50 miles (80 kilometres) west of Austin, went unanswered.
Griffin has defended Bieze’s actions and said that Winkfein was belligerent and difficult to handle. Winkfein previously told Austin television station KTBC that she didn’t believe she deserved to be shocked. “I wasn’t argumentative, I was not combative. This is a lie,” she told the station. This cop should definitely receive a medal for this act of bravery, I am sure his fellow officers will not let him live this one down.
Tags: Of the Weird · Offbeat Stuff · Might Be True · Odd Accomplisments
From: http://ping.fm/F2v6L
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Blog title...50 Cent Pays Tribute To Michael Jackson In New Songs
50 Cent Pays Tribute To Michael Jackson In New Songs
'Rest in peace to Michael Jackson,' Fif says in one of two dropped Friday morning. By Shaheem Reid
50 Cent is the first artist to pay tribute to Michael Jackson in song since the King of Pop died Thursday. Fif released the first two records from his mixtape Forever King on Friday (June 26) morning.
The first, "Respect It or Check It N---a," is vintage hard-core 50. He talks about coming up in the streets as a youngster and how he has evolved, and adds at the end, "Rest in peace to Michael Jackson ... You n---as need me, man. I might have to start moonwalking. A couple of dance moves and sh--, might be some sh-- called 'Billie Jean Is My Lover.' I'm back, n---a!"
The second song is called "Where You Are," and it takes directly from Jackson's historic catalog. The G-Unit General raps over the 1972 track "I Wanna Be Where You Are."
"They say I ain't lyrical, they say I ain't a miracle. I say some hard sh--, so they say I ain't spiritual," the self-proclaimed King of Rap rhymes. "They act like they know God better than me/ I know 'God Allah,' he used to pump crack up the streets."
50 goes on to vent about those in the 'hood doubting him because of his over-the-top financial status. The Southside, Queens, native then gives way to the King of Pop, and we hear Jackson's timeless vocals.
"Can it be I stayed away too long?/ Did I leave your mind when I was gone?/ It's not my thing trying to get back/ But this time let me tell you where I'm at/ You don't have to worry 'cause I'm coming/ Back to where I should have always stayed/ And now I've heard the maybe to your story/ And it's enough love for me to stay."
Don't miss "A Celebration of Michael Jackson on MTV," airing at 6 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.
Share your Michael Jackson memories by uploading video and comments to Your.MTV.com or joining the discussion below.
Related VideosRelated Artists
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Halle Berry’s Guys Choice Awards Speech (Makes Out With Jamie Foxx)
Full Article: http://ping.fm/UpTTR
Astrological After-sex Comments
Astrological After-sex Comments
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!" <<<<<YUMM YUMM
Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?" <<<<<Yup one nighter Oh yeah
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets." <<<<<<<<<Married, MOVING ON
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it." <<<<<RUNNNNNNNNNNNN
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you." <<<<< NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you." <<<<<GRRRRRRRRRRRR
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?" <<<<<<lol Go Pisce
On the menu
On the menu
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
---------------------------------
Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"
The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
How many babies?
How many babies?
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."
Scotsman at a baseball game
Scotsman at a baseball game
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!
Answering Machine...
Answering Machine...
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I
should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I
should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
Quotes...
Quotes...
A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a
typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind
and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it
about. (from Mostly Harmless) - Douglas Adams
A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a
typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind
and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it
about. (from Mostly Harmless) - Douglas Adams
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Money for
Money for panties
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
View Original Link Unmentionables
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
View Original Link Unmentionables
The cruise
The cruise
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
View Original Link Cruise
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
View Original Link Cruise
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
50 Cent Nabs 'Jerkyll and Hyde' Role - ARTISTdirect News
50 Cent Nabs 'Jerkyll and Hyde' Role
Mon, 18 May 2009 10:15:17
Right alongside Forest Whitaker
50 Cent Nabs 'Jerkyll and Hyde' Role
Forest Whitaker and 50 Cent have been tapped as the lead roles in a modern update on The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Dubbed Jekyll and Hyde, it's being produced by Brett Walsh of Glasshouse Pictures and Randall Emmett of Cheetah Vision Films.
"The combination of such formidable talent in front of and behind the camera," executive producer Luc Roeg told Variety, "will turn this wonderful gothic story into a modern classic for a whole new generation."
View Original Source
—The ARTISTdirect Staff
05.18.09
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This joke provided courtesy of FunnyandJokes.com, all rights reserved.
Similar Funny Jokes You Might Like:
- My Stomach Hurts A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his...
- The Delivery A married couple went to the hospital together to have...
- Birthday Suit A wife was begining to worry about her and her...
View Original Article
Study Ball brings seriously old school methods to child rearing
You can try using positive reinforcement to get your kids to study. But what if that doesn't work? Well then, it's time to try some more medieval methods.
The study ball is a literal ball and chain that comes equipped with a timer. Simply set how long you want your little miscreant to study and attach the ball to their ankle. When the time is up, it'll unlock, allowing them to leave their rooms. Until then, however, it's study time. Or trying to run out of a burning house with a ball and chain time, but let's just hope that doesn't happen.
Hi George!
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"
View Original Article
company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"
View Original Article
Monday, May 18, 2009
The cats diary
The cats diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Source: http://ping.fm/JYcr5
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
Source: http://ping.fm/JYcr5
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