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Easy Listening!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Image by Capture Queen ™ via Flickr
I'll find someone.
Put it back in the hole
Image via Wikipedia
Put it back in the hole
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.He says,"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Link: JokesUnlimited
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Image by Getty Images via Daylife50 CENT urges fans not to take infighting between rappers too seriously, because it's in their nature to behave like boxers.
The In Da Club hitmaker has enjoyed high profile feuds with a number of his rap contemporaries.
But he insists there's no real hatred in hip hop.
Fiddy explains, "A lot of the back and forth you hear is just the competitiveness. Rappers condition themselves like fighters."
11/16/2008 11:33:40 PM
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Friday, November 14, 2008
Put it in his mouth
Put it in his mouth
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar."I'll try..." said a small woman, "But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!"
Link: http://ping.fm/7fSNk
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar."I'll try..." said a small woman, "But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!"
Link: http://ping.fm/7fSNk
Monday, November 10, 2008
Doctors Orders
Doctors Orders
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Link: http://ping.fm/jmywo
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Link: http://ping.fm/jmywo
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
The Love Dress
The Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said. (MEAN MEAN MAN)
Link:http://ping.fm/82o2Q
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said. (MEAN MEAN MAN)
Link:http://ping.fm/82o2Q
Monday, November 03, 2008
A Lesson in Church
A Lesson in Church
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!"The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Link: http://ping.fm/9G3Dj
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!"The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Link: http://ping.fm/9G3Dj
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Singing bird
Singing bird
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
"That's fantastic," said the customer.
"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"
When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!
Link: http://ping.fm/hWC8e
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
"That's fantastic," said the customer.
"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"
When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!
Link: http://ping.fm/hWC8e
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Blog title...JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - TIMBERLAKE TO HOST BENEFIT SHOW
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE will be joined by THE JONAS BROTHERS, RIHANNA and 50 CENT as he hosts a children's charity performance.
The SexyBack singer will compere the show, entitled Justin Timberlake and Friends: A Special Evening Benefiting the Shriners Hospitals for Children, which will also feature performances from Adam Levine from Maroon 5, Leona Lewis, and Boyz II Men.
The show will take place on Friday (17Oct08) at the Planet Hollywood Resort Theatre for the Performing Arts in Las Vegas.
10/14/2008 07:07:09 PM
Link: http://ping.fm/rkovH
The SexyBack singer will compere the show, entitled Justin Timberlake and Friends: A Special Evening Benefiting the Shriners Hospitals for Children, which will also feature performances from Adam Levine from Maroon 5, Leona Lewis, and Boyz II Men.
The show will take place on Friday (17Oct08) at the Planet Hollywood Resort Theatre for the Performing Arts in Las Vegas.
10/14/2008 07:07:09 PM
Link: http://ping.fm/rkovH
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
50 Cent Unleashes His Fourth Album Before I Self Destruct
Superstar Also Makes His Directorial Debut with Before I Self Destruct, a
90-minute Original Film
NEW YORK, Oct. 13 /PRNewswire/ -- 50 Cent exploded onto the music scene
with his blockbuster debut Get Rich Or Die Tryin'. Now he's set to deliver
his fourth major label album, Before I Self Destruct
(Shady/Aftermath/Interscope), on December 9, 2008.
For the explosive Before I Self Destruct, 50 Cent returned to working
closely with Dr. Dre and Eminem as he did on his first album. But Before I
Self Destruct is more than an album. The package also includes a DVD with
an original, gritty, feature-length movie he wrote, directed and starred
in. 50 Cent proves with Before I Self Destruct that no one on the hip-hop
scene is more aggressive about putting the street on stage.
With Dr. Dre and Eminem each producing and guesting on tracks, and led
by the club-friendly first single, "Get Up," produced by Scott Storch,
Before I Self Destruct is darker and harder than last year's Curtis. 50
Cent wrote much of the album while he, as Curtis Jackson, was also penning
the 90-minute film of the same name that would be his directorial debut.
The film Before I Self Destruct is a coming of age story about an inner
city youth raised by a hardworking single mother. When his dream of
becoming a basketball player fails to materialize, he finds himself
employed in a supermarket. After his mother is tragically gunned down,
Clarence (played by Jackson) is consumed by revenge and takes up a life of
crime in order to support his younger brother.
"My film captures the harsh realities that reflect so many communities
today. There will be some who will greatly identify with the characters and
the situations presented and then there will be others who may be shocked
at the struggles that go on in the inner city," states 50 Cent. "I made the
film for both groups."
Before I Self Destruct, both album and film, continues 50 Cent's
phenomenal rise from street culture hero to superstardom. 2003's Get Rich
Or Die Tryin' sold 872,000 units in the first four days of its release,
making it the fastest-selling debut disc in the SoundScan era (since 1991).
The #1 Pop, #1 R&B/Hip-hop album was the biggest seller of 2003 and has
sold more than 12 million copies worldwide.
2005's The Massacre, again #1 Pop, #1 R&B/Hip-hop, was the second
biggest-selling album of that year and has sold more than nine million
copies worldwide. With the album's "Candy Shop," "Disco Inferno" and "How
We Do," 50 Cent became the first solo artist in Billboard history to have
three singles in the Top 5 in the same week.
2007's Curtis reached #2 Pop and #2 R&B/Hip-hop, selling more than five
million copies worldwide. Three tracks reached the Top 40 of the Hot 100:
"I Get Money," "Ayo Technology" and "Straight To The Bank." Time magazine
named "I Get Money" one of "The 10 Best Songs of 2007."
Thanks to Curtis, 50 Cent was honored as the year's Best-Selling
Hip-hop Artist at the 2007 World Music Awards. His music career has also
been marked by an impressive 13 Grammy nominations, from Best New Artist to
Best Rap Album.
In addition to his record label, G-Unit Records, 50 Cent has enjoyed
enormous global success across a vast array of entrepreneurial ventures,
including videogames, books, clothing, footwear, beverages, personal care
products, automotive and more. He has also starred in a handful of films,
including 2005's semi-autobiographical Get Rich Or Die Tryin', Al Pacino
and Robert De Niro's Righteous Kill and now Before I Self Destruct.
BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT TRAILER:
http://ping.fm/9kApJ
Link: http://ping.fm/n9LAc
SOURCE Interscope Records
90-minute Original Film
NEW YORK, Oct. 13 /PRNewswire/ -- 50 Cent exploded onto the music scene
with his blockbuster debut Get Rich Or Die Tryin'. Now he's set to deliver
his fourth major label album, Before I Self Destruct
(Shady/Aftermath/Interscope), on December 9, 2008.
For the explosive Before I Self Destruct, 50 Cent returned to working
closely with Dr. Dre and Eminem as he did on his first album. But Before I
Self Destruct is more than an album. The package also includes a DVD with
an original, gritty, feature-length movie he wrote, directed and starred
in. 50 Cent proves with Before I Self Destruct that no one on the hip-hop
scene is more aggressive about putting the street on stage.
With Dr. Dre and Eminem each producing and guesting on tracks, and led
by the club-friendly first single, "Get Up," produced by Scott Storch,
Before I Self Destruct is darker and harder than last year's Curtis. 50
Cent wrote much of the album while he, as Curtis Jackson, was also penning
the 90-minute film of the same name that would be his directorial debut.
The film Before I Self Destruct is a coming of age story about an inner
city youth raised by a hardworking single mother. When his dream of
becoming a basketball player fails to materialize, he finds himself
employed in a supermarket. After his mother is tragically gunned down,
Clarence (played by Jackson) is consumed by revenge and takes up a life of
crime in order to support his younger brother.
"My film captures the harsh realities that reflect so many communities
today. There will be some who will greatly identify with the characters and
the situations presented and then there will be others who may be shocked
at the struggles that go on in the inner city," states 50 Cent. "I made the
film for both groups."
Before I Self Destruct, both album and film, continues 50 Cent's
phenomenal rise from street culture hero to superstardom. 2003's Get Rich
Or Die Tryin' sold 872,000 units in the first four days of its release,
making it the fastest-selling debut disc in the SoundScan era (since 1991).
The #1 Pop, #1 R&B/Hip-hop album was the biggest seller of 2003 and has
sold more than 12 million copies worldwide.
2005's The Massacre, again #1 Pop, #1 R&B/Hip-hop, was the second
biggest-selling album of that year and has sold more than nine million
copies worldwide. With the album's "Candy Shop," "Disco Inferno" and "How
We Do," 50 Cent became the first solo artist in Billboard history to have
three singles in the Top 5 in the same week.
2007's Curtis reached #2 Pop and #2 R&B/Hip-hop, selling more than five
million copies worldwide. Three tracks reached the Top 40 of the Hot 100:
"I Get Money," "Ayo Technology" and "Straight To The Bank." Time magazine
named "I Get Money" one of "The 10 Best Songs of 2007."
Thanks to Curtis, 50 Cent was honored as the year's Best-Selling
Hip-hop Artist at the 2007 World Music Awards. His music career has also
been marked by an impressive 13 Grammy nominations, from Best New Artist to
Best Rap Album.
In addition to his record label, G-Unit Records, 50 Cent has enjoyed
enormous global success across a vast array of entrepreneurial ventures,
including videogames, books, clothing, footwear, beverages, personal care
products, automotive and more. He has also starred in a handful of films,
including 2005's semi-autobiographical Get Rich Or Die Tryin', Al Pacino
and Robert De Niro's Righteous Kill and now Before I Self Destruct.
BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT TRAILER:
http://ping.fm/9kApJ
Link: http://ping.fm/n9LAc
SOURCE Interscope Records
Set it free
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes, your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, then you either married or gave birth to it.
Link: http://ping.fm/0zFZI
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes, your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, then you either married or gave birth to it.
Link: http://ping.fm/0zFZI
Words women use
Words women use
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed; this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome...
Source:http://ping.fm/1shCt
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed; this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome...
Source:http://ping.fm/1shCt
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
I ran into a stranger
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
Link:http://ping.fm/KDnW9
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
Link:http://ping.fm/KDnW9
Humor
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
to cross the street,
when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
herringbone tweed
trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
retrieves a doggie biscuit
which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
happening and
interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
dog just pissed all
down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
going to teach him
much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
just trying to find his
head so I can kick his ass!"
Link: http://ping.fm/KDnW9
to cross the street,
when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
herringbone tweed
trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
retrieves a doggie biscuit
which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
happening and
interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
dog just pissed all
down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
going to teach him
much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
just trying to find his
head so I can kick his ass!"
Link: http://ping.fm/KDnW9
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Borrowing the car
Borrowing the car
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son , I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Link: http://ping.fm/WJ2fn
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son , I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Link: http://ping.fm/WJ2fn
Walking Economy
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession,
my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the
combination of these factors is putting me into
a deep depression."
http://ping.fm/WKTp2
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession,
my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the
combination of these factors is putting me into
a deep depression."
http://ping.fm/WKTp2
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
An old country doctor
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year
old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new
born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take
his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
in the first place!!"
Link: http://ping.fm/zAHaX
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year
old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new
born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take
his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
in the first place!!"
Link: http://ping.fm/zAHaX
Friday, September 26, 2008
DateLife NYC
DateLife NYC
© By Liza J. Kaplan
Warning: May be inappropriate for anyone in earshot
Dating is tough for a gal in the city
Cuz brains aren't enough and most guys just ain't pretty.
So let's get down to details both nitty and gritty,
And you'll see that it needn't always seem so shitty.
Though most guys aren't cute,
The numbers are ample
And it's less overwhelming to start with a sample.
So let's check out some options on becoming a twosome,
(And if that doesn't work you can always just screw some.)
With a click and a drag of your mouse you'll find guys,
Though some things are better off left to surprise.
As he sheds off his screenname of BigJew4You,
You choke back the tears as you try not to spew.
He's a bit of a freak, it is sad but it's true,
But the real horror is that you know you're one too.
So to see if your true personalities mesh,
It's safer to meet face to face, in the flesh.
When you discover there're choices there's always speed-dating,
Some guys are exciting, while some leave you hating.
But it's all in good fun with the prospect of mating,
It can be quite interesting. Translation: degrading.
Though there are many men on the streets of New York,
He might not keep kosher, aka-he eats pork,
But unless you are ready for a wedding and a stork,
You'll be lucky to find one who knows how to fork.
Though it sometimes feels hopeless, that just isn't so,
Remember that each trial helps you to grow,
So until your Prince Charming rides in on that horse,
Enjoy the adventure though it may seem off course.
Still it's true that dating is often quite scary,
Some young guys are bald, while others are hairy.
Neither of which you are dying to marry,
'Specially if he's 'friends' with a Tom, Dick or Larry.
So beware of speed dating and the internet site,
And believe me dear ladies, I too take this plight,
So until you should stumble upon Mr. Right,
Happy Dating to all, and to all a good fright!
Link: http://ping.fm/8hS4u
© By Liza J. Kaplan
Warning: May be inappropriate for anyone in earshot
Dating is tough for a gal in the city
Cuz brains aren't enough and most guys just ain't pretty.
So let's get down to details both nitty and gritty,
And you'll see that it needn't always seem so shitty.
Though most guys aren't cute,
The numbers are ample
And it's less overwhelming to start with a sample.
So let's check out some options on becoming a twosome,
(And if that doesn't work you can always just screw some.)
With a click and a drag of your mouse you'll find guys,
Though some things are better off left to surprise.
As he sheds off his screenname of BigJew4You,
You choke back the tears as you try not to spew.
He's a bit of a freak, it is sad but it's true,
But the real horror is that you know you're one too.
So to see if your true personalities mesh,
It's safer to meet face to face, in the flesh.
When you discover there're choices there's always speed-dating,
Some guys are exciting, while some leave you hating.
But it's all in good fun with the prospect of mating,
It can be quite interesting. Translation: degrading.
Though there are many men on the streets of New York,
He might not keep kosher, aka-he eats pork,
But unless you are ready for a wedding and a stork,
You'll be lucky to find one who knows how to fork.
Though it sometimes feels hopeless, that just isn't so,
Remember that each trial helps you to grow,
So until your Prince Charming rides in on that horse,
Enjoy the adventure though it may seem off course.
Still it's true that dating is often quite scary,
Some young guys are bald, while others are hairy.
Neither of which you are dying to marry,
'Specially if he's 'friends' with a Tom, Dick or Larry.
So beware of speed dating and the internet site,
And believe me dear ladies, I too take this plight,
So until you should stumble upon Mr. Right,
Happy Dating to all, and to all a good fright!
Link: http://ping.fm/8hS4u
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Girlfriend 1.0 (LMAO) GEEKY
Girlfriend 1.0
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Link: http://ping.fm/YE4Cq
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Link: http://ping.fm/YE4Cq
Iron Man and Spidey Team Up in IRON MAN'S ADV
This cool Iron Man cartoon over at the new site Marvelkids.com looks to be the first of three CGI cartoons by ULTIMATE ALLIANCE animators Blur Studios. According to Marvel, this "Marvel Adventures Iron Man advervideo" is "a thrilling, cutting-edge adventure!"
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Escaped Prisoner (LMAO)
Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
Link: http://ping.fm/O6gp0
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
Link: http://ping.fm/O6gp0
The Worst Age
The Worst Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Source: JokeGallery*dot*com
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Source: JokeGallery*dot*com
YOUR JoKe:
----------
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you
ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes,"
her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do
you go to?"
http://ping.fm/mcgo4
Link: http://ping.fm/KDnW9
----------
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you
ever get to feeling horny?"
"Yes,"
her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do
you go to?"
http://ping.fm/mcgo4
Link: http://ping.fm/KDnW9
Monday, September 22, 2008
young man goes into a drug store to buy.....
young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist!"
Did you know that you could get paid
for writing about stuff you like to
talk about?
Link: young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist!"
Did you know that you could get paid
for writing about stuff you like to
talk about?
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist!"
Did you know that you could get paid
for writing about stuff you like to
talk about?
Link: young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better
give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist!"
Did you know that you could get paid
for writing about stuff you like to
talk about?
Friday, September 19, 2008
Boot It
Boot It
(to the tune of Beat It)
You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.
Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
So BOOT IT,
Get the system manager to
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost.
CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...
You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
BOOT IT.
You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
So BOOT IT,
Call the local guru to
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Go ahead re-institute it.
If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do it itself.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.
BOOT IT! BOOT IT!
Link: http://jokes2go.com/
(to the tune of Beat It)
You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.
Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
So BOOT IT,
Get the system manager to
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost.
CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...
You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
BOOT IT.
You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
So BOOT IT,
Call the local guru to
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Go ahead re-institute it.
If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do it itself.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.
BOOT IT! BOOT IT!
Link: http://jokes2go.com/
DOUBLE VODKA
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Link:
DOUBLE VODKA
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Link:
DOUBLE VODKA
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sad Love Poems
Sad Love Poems of anger, betrayal, heartbreak and hurt.
How can there be pain in a place where there is so much joy? A loving relationship is the most awesome experience in the world. This is why it also holds the potential for so much sadness. There are so many things that can go wrong. We must remember, Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all
Link: http://ping.fm/gzoOX
Sad Love Poems of anger, betrayal, heartbreak and hurt.
How can there be pain in a place where there is so much joy? A loving relationship is the most awesome experience in the world. This is why it also holds the potential for so much sadness. There are so many things that can go wrong. We must remember, Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all
Link: http://ping.fm/gzoOX
Trapped in time
by October Tears RIP Lesthat Hayden
Your falling down
Pain consumes you
You want nothing
You think death can free you
Your heart in pieces
Your soul shattered
Your hear no one
No words get to you
You lock out there words
Though you know they can help heal you
Patients is needed
Yes you know
But time has stopped
You cant move forward
You trapped there
Frozen
You want nothing
You have nothing
You desire freedom
Alone you stand
Just there waiting
For something that will
Never come
So there you sit
Locked up inside
Cost forever
Trapped in time
(Myshwana: how i feel)
link: http://ping.fm/f6hoz
Your falling down
Pain consumes you
You want nothing
You think death can free you
Your heart in pieces
Your soul shattered
Your hear no one
No words get to you
You lock out there words
Though you know they can help heal you
Patients is needed
Yes you know
But time has stopped
You cant move forward
You trapped there
Frozen
You want nothing
You have nothing
You desire freedom
Alone you stand
Just there waiting
For something that will
Never come
So there you sit
Locked up inside
Cost forever
Trapped in time
(Myshwana: how i feel)
link: http://ping.fm/f6hoz
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
A Poem For Those Over 30 (funny)
A Poem For Those Over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.
Copyright; Author Unknown
source: http://ping.fm/yR0ik
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.
Copyright; Author Unknown
source: http://ping.fm/yR0ik
Tortures by Wislawa Szymborska
Tortures by Wislawa Szymborska
Nothing has changed.
The body is susceptible to pain,
it must eat and breathe air and sleep,
it has thin skin and blood right underneath,
an adequate stock of teeth and nails,
its bones are breakable, its joints are stretchable.
In tortures all this is taken into account.
Nothing has changed.
The body shudders as it shuddered
before the founding of Rome and after,
in the twentieth century before and after Christ.
Tortures are as they were, it's just the earth that's grown smaller,
and whatever happens seems right on the other side of the wall.
Nothing has changed. It's just that there are more people,
besides the old offenses new ones have appeared,
real, imaginary, temporary, and none,
but the howl with which the body responds to them,
was, is and ever will be a howl of innocence
according to the time-honored scale and tonality.
Nothing has changed. Maybe just the manners, ceremonies, dances.
Yet the movement of the hands in protecting the head is the same.
The body writhes, jerks and tries to pull away,
its legs give out, it falls, the knees fly up,
it turns blue, swells, salivates and bleeds.
Nothing has changed. Except for the course of boundaries,
the line of forests, coasts, deserts and glaciers.
Amid these landscapes traipses the soul,
disappears, comes back, draws nearer, moves away,
alien to itself, elusive, at times certain, at others uncertain of its own existence,
while the body is and is and is
and has no place of its own.
Source: http://ping.fm/elVrR
Nothing has changed.
The body is susceptible to pain,
it must eat and breathe air and sleep,
it has thin skin and blood right underneath,
an adequate stock of teeth and nails,
its bones are breakable, its joints are stretchable.
In tortures all this is taken into account.
Nothing has changed.
The body shudders as it shuddered
before the founding of Rome and after,
in the twentieth century before and after Christ.
Tortures are as they were, it's just the earth that's grown smaller,
and whatever happens seems right on the other side of the wall.
Nothing has changed. It's just that there are more people,
besides the old offenses new ones have appeared,
real, imaginary, temporary, and none,
but the howl with which the body responds to them,
was, is and ever will be a howl of innocence
according to the time-honored scale and tonality.
Nothing has changed. Maybe just the manners, ceremonies, dances.
Yet the movement of the hands in protecting the head is the same.
The body writhes, jerks and tries to pull away,
its legs give out, it falls, the knees fly up,
it turns blue, swells, salivates and bleeds.
Nothing has changed. Except for the course of boundaries,
the line of forests, coasts, deserts and glaciers.
Amid these landscapes traipses the soul,
disappears, comes back, draws nearer, moves away,
alien to itself, elusive, at times certain, at others uncertain of its own existence,
while the body is and is and is
and has no place of its own.
Source: http://ping.fm/elVrR
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Inspirational Quote # 16
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly,
kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.
Source: http://ping.fm/iBB4k
kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.
Source: http://ping.fm/iBB4k
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Blog title...Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What
do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black
man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample
him down!
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
L.A Poliece Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken,
and we'll find out.
Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it:
the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!
Ronald Reagan: What Chicken?
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that
road? Is that what you're telling me?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled,
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own
eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe
it's true?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
How do you feel about your mother?
Bill Gates: We have just
released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format),
file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
The CIA
A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken?
There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken.
Source: http://ping.fm/l1v5W
do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black
man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample
him down!
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
L.A Poliece Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken,
and we'll find out.
Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it:
the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!
Ronald Reagan: What Chicken?
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that
road? Is that what you're telling me?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all
chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled,
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own
eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe
it's true?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
How do you feel about your mother?
Bill Gates: We have just
released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format),
file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
The CIA
A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken?
There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken.
Source: http://ping.fm/l1v5W
Friday, September 12, 2008
Whats in the bag
A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border
on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "Sand!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...
"What have you there?"
"Sand"
"We want to examine."
Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections
continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"
The fellow says, "Bicycles."
Source: http://ping.fm/1UWGP
on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "Sand!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...
"What have you there?"
"Sand"
"We want to examine."
Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections
continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"
The fellow says, "Bicycles."
Source: http://ping.fm/1UWGP
Monday, September 08, 2008
Love...
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like nobody's looking.
Politics...
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
One-Liners...
I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you
want?
"Siglets.com - Daily Siglets"
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been
hurt. Dance like nobody's looking.
Politics...
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
One-Liners...
I love to give homemade gifts... which one of my kids do you
want?
"Siglets.com - Daily Siglets"
The big shot
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away
to attend college and law school. He decided
to come back to the small town because he could
be a big man in this small town. He really wanted
to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new
client when he arrived. As the man came to the
door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the
man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns
in New York that I won't settle this case for
less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court
has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other
members of my team will provide support. Okay.
Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week
to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five
minutes. All the while the man sat patiently
as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put
down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry
for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company.
I came to hook up your phone."
to attend college and law school. He decided
to come back to the small town because he could
be a big man in this small town. He really wanted
to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new
client when he arrived. As the man came to the
door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the
man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns
in New York that I won't settle this case for
less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court
has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other
members of my team will provide support. Okay.
Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week
to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five
minutes. All the while the man sat patiently
as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put
down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry
for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company.
I came to hook up your phone."
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
Recognizing George
Recognizing George
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two
Source: http://ping.fm/ITnY1
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two
Source: http://ping.fm/ITnY1
myshwana has invited you to join MyBlogLog
A little MyBlogLog background...
Discover something new or cool each day. Find a sites are unique to your interests, be that "you'll never guess what I found on the internet" person.
Learn more about the people who publish your favorite sites? What do they read? Who else reads them?
Connect with people who read the same sites as you, make the world wide web a little smaller, more connected.
myshwana thinks MyBlogLog is so great that they've taken the time to let you know about it. Come check it out. If you've got a Yahoo! account, you're already half-way there. Join http://ping.fm/9K5PA Check out www.mybloglog.com to learn more.
Join MyBlogLog
for you jump-right-in types
MyBlogLog - not just for bloggers anymore.
www.mybloglog.com
A little MyBlogLog background...
Discover something new or cool each day. Find a sites are unique to your interests, be that "you'll never guess what I found on the internet" person.
Learn more about the people who publish your favorite sites? What do they read? Who else reads them?
Connect with people who read the same sites as you, make the world wide web a little smaller, more connected.
myshwana thinks MyBlogLog is so great that they've taken the time to let you know about it. Come check it out. If you've got a Yahoo! account, you're already half-way there. Join http://ping.fm/9K5PA Check out www.mybloglog.com to learn more.
Join MyBlogLog
for you jump-right-in types
MyBlogLog - not just for bloggers anymore.
www.mybloglog.com
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Myshwana thinks you should join Mahalo
Hi,
You can view Myshwana's Mahalo profile here:
http://www.mahalo.com/member/Myshwana
To join Mahalo, go to:
http://www.mahalo.com/signup
After you join and add Myshwana as a friend, you can easily keep track
of all the great links Myshwana recommends to Mahalo.
---
Mahalo is a human-powered search engine that creates organized,
comprehensive, and spam free search results for the most popular
search terms. Anyone can recommend links for inclusion in Mahalo.
--
Saturday, March 01, 2008
I started this network on Ning...
Come join me on MyShwana.
I started this network on Ning...
Would you like to join me...
share blogs, information....
Nice and innocent social site..
Thank You
Much Luv
Kisses Shwana
Click here to join:
http://myshwana.ning.com/?xgi=4pLgEtX
Thanks,
shwana
Friday, July 06, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Profile Linker
You have been invited to join ProfileLinker by shwana
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Click here to get linked and see what social networks your friend is on.
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