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Easy Listening!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Husbands Performance
Image via WikipediaHusbands Performance
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor.He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic.He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
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Friday, November 21, 2008
I Am Just A Normal Guy But All My Dreams Are Kinky
Image by nickso2 via FlickrHere is a weird funny song I wrote a while ago, and to this day cannot put it to music - that makes it a poem.I Am Just A Normal Guy But
All My Dreams Are Kinky
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I don't understand it, it's to normal things I'm geared
By day my life is sane, but at night my dreams are weird
I'm just a normal fella who goes off to work each day
I do my job, lunch with my mates, each week collect my pay
But in the night I dread the bed, each night is just the same
Cause all my dreams are kinky, one overnight sick game.
I'm dressed in a G-string tied in a bow
There's a chicken in a garter belt, Oh God no!
Birds fly by and wolf whistle overhead
Don't roll over there's a roo in the bed ...
15 Strippers all in a row
All with bra-straps ready to blow
One pretty lady dancin' in my lap
Don't you touch or you'll get a nasty slap.
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I think one day when I was small, Ma dropped me in the sink
By day I'm just a normal sod, by all my dreams are kinked
I'd like to have a girlfriend, but it just never does work out
We get on fine until they find what my night dreams are about
Then they drop me like a stone, they say they can't compete
With nude three-breasted women with vibrators on their feet
Hippos in tutus, hot oil & cream
Chains and whips all to make me scream
Lizards & snakes all in strange places
They're gettin' it on & making lewd faces
When dreaming the nightclubs everywhere
Are chock full of animals in underwear
Teddy Bears in teddies, wombats in hot pants
All we need now is a couple thousand ants
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
My life could be near perfect, my life could be real fun
If only when I slept the chorus girls weren't dressed like nuns
I went to see a famous shrink, to straighten out my head
I told him if I can't get fixed I might as well be dead
He laid me down & said "tell me of your erotic dreams"
I said "One feather is erotic, not whole chickens soaked in cream!"
There are female wrestlers all covered in jelly
Exotic dancers doing things with their bellies
A cute sexy lady, covered in mud
Whispers in my ear with the voice of Elmer Fudd
There are strong males strippers with bricks in their jocks
With all those square corners they couldn't be socks
This stuff all around me is one kinky dream
Whatever you imagine I'm sure to have a theme
I guess it is my lot to life, can't beat it so I'll join
I suppose that they are only dreams they don't even cost a coin
So if at night you happen to hear me in my sleep
Just think, "that lucky bugger, is dancing naked tending sheep."
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I don't under stand it, it's to normal things I'm geared
By day my life is sane, but at night my dreams are weird
Copyright; 1998 S. L. (Woody) Meltcher
Link: Funny Poems and Poetry
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Monday, November 17, 2008
Image by Capture Queen ™ via Flickr
I'll find someone.
Put it back in the hole
Image via Wikipedia
Put it back in the hole
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.He says,"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Link: JokesUnlimited
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Image by Getty Images via Daylife50 CENT urges fans not to take infighting between rappers too seriously, because it's in their nature to behave like boxers.
The In Da Club hitmaker has enjoyed high profile feuds with a number of his rap contemporaries.
But he insists there's no real hatred in hip hop.
Fiddy explains, "A lot of the back and forth you hear is just the competitiveness. Rappers condition themselves like fighters."
11/16/2008 11:33:40 PM
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Friday, November 14, 2008
Put it in his mouth
Put it in his mouth
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar."I'll try..." said a small woman, "But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!"
Link: http://ping.fm/7fSNk
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar."I'll try..." said a small woman, "But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!"
Link: http://ping.fm/7fSNk
Monday, November 10, 2008
Doctors Orders
Doctors Orders
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Link: http://ping.fm/jmywo
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Link: http://ping.fm/jmywo
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
The Love Dress
The Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said. (MEAN MEAN MAN)
Link:http://ping.fm/82o2Q
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said. (MEAN MEAN MAN)
Link:http://ping.fm/82o2Q
Monday, November 03, 2008
A Lesson in Church
A Lesson in Church
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!"The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Link: http://ping.fm/9G3Dj
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting.The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?"The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!"The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?"The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Link: http://ping.fm/9G3Dj
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